February 15, 2017

I’m live blogging at the dentist with Tenderheart. She thought she was getting one cavity filled and she’s getting four. She should be happy I got her in after Valentine’s Day, but I have a feeling she’s going to be pissed that it’s four. They’re giving her laughing gas and I hear them talking to someone like a toddler, I’m pretty sure it’s her.  Silver lining, she doesn’t have to come back.  Rain cloud, I’m going to be here forever. FOREVER!!

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and here was my valentine. 

Here was Tenderheart’s. 

This woman is trying to find something to watch on the tv but the message clearly says “service interrupted”. I’m familiar with the message, you need to call and restore your service, girl. Omg, now she’s found some deep cable political channel. She needs to keep going. This has gone on longer than it needed. 

She finally told someone to call the number on the screen and the worker said, oh it’s turned off. Like she watched her stand there trying to find a channel for over 20 minutes and then decided to tell her their service was interrupted. Now she went out for a smoke. I might need one too. 

When Tenderheart was little I took her to the dentist for a cleaning and I went back with her because she was little, probably six. She grabbed my hand and the hygienist said, Don’t baby her. So I let go of her hand and scooted back. That was just a blip of how I’ve babied her. He should have been following me around her whole life pointing out times I’m babying her. Where’s that guy, who’s obviously a life coach by now. 

The girl who went out to smoke just came back in and literally Febreezed herself. I’m always shocked at people who still smoke but I’m sure people are shocked I still eat donuts. We’re all going to die. Speaking of which, there’s a donut place right across the parking lot. My morning is writing itself. 

Wait, now I hear the dentist talking to Directv. Who’s drilling Tenderheart??  I’m never getting out of here. Should I tell him I don’t need the TV? Now he’s yelling because their payment was returned. He literally just said, There’s no way it was returned, we have over $15,000 in that account. That doesn’t seem like a lot for a dentist but I am next door to a hydroponics shop and across the parking lot from the donut shop and a pot shop so maybe I need to rethink the quality of my dentist. And can I just point out how brilliant it is to have a donut shop next door to a pot shop? Location, location, location. Because this place is right down the street from my house so again, location. 

And I just got an email there’s bagels and donuts in the office today. Because of course they wouldn’t have that yesterday when I was actually in there. I hate missing free food. That’s how poor I am. 

I came in and they told me this would be $110. So I’m thinking okay, one cavity, $110, that’s horrible. Then they told me she had four and I said, nope, just take those teeth out because there’s no way I can afford $440 for four cavities. Sorry, Tenderheart, you’re going to have to start gumming your meat. Luckily, for her, they had included all four in that $110. And also luckily, for her, the nitrous was included because momma ain’t springing for anything fancy here. 

And finally the dentist is off the phone so hopefully the TV will be back on shortly. That’s how it usually works when mine’s turned off. Oh, I hear the drilling again so maybe they were just giving her a break while he was trying to figure out the TV situation. Seems below his pay grade but probably not around here. 

He just came out to take a break, I assume between cavities. I’m going to be here so long I’m probably going to be blogging from here tomorrow too. 

They’ve had her back there for over an hour. I’ll bet this feels like Tenderheart’s rock bottom. 

I wish bad things happened to bad people

Remember that little fender bender Tenderheart got into a couple of weeks ago in the Chipotle parking lot?  The lady had nothing better to do than call the police who said if she wanted to file a police report, Tenderheart would get the ticket and my insurance would go up.  She said she was pulling forward and Tenderheart hit her, but the facts are, she didn’t see Tenderheart and Tenderheart didn’t see her; but because Tenderheart is 16 and told the police officer she didn’t see the lady, she was considered at fault.  I thought it should have been no fault, but my opinion doesn’t matter.

The police officer told the lady to get her bumper painted and send me the bill, easy peasy.  I gave her my information and prayed she’d lose it.  But that isn’t how things work in my life.  So she texted me last week to get my email so she could send me the estimate to get her bumper painted, I thought.  What she sent me was an estimate for a whole new bumper on her 2008 Nissan Pathfinder for a total of $1,131.00.  I was thinking it would be max $500, which I could do, but that was in the world where she was just getting it painted like the police officer said.  I said I was a single mom of three with two in college and she said she was also a single mom of three and had one in college.  In an alternate universe where she’s not trying to fleece me, we may have been friends.

However, she’s been such a bitch, and I told her I couldn’t afford that and she went off on how I promised to be honest and she was assured by the police officer that I would cover her expenses and I said, yeah, that’s when you were just supposed to get your bumper painted, not a whole new one on your 9 year old car.  Here’s the thing, the estimate was $1,131.00 and there was a suspicious line item that said, “Possible additional damage”.  Well, I am not up for that at all, nor am I able to even pay her the $1,131.00, but with people like that, I’m 100% sure they were going to find some additional damage.  Because if you look closely at her bumper, there was already damage.

And now I feel like she was targeting Tenderheart to just get a new bumper.  I’m serious.

So, I told her I was unable to pay that and was not going to get into a payment arrangement on “possible additional damages” that I know are bullshit so I told her I would call my insurance company to get her the information she needs to file a claim.  Sunshine backed into someone’s truck a couple of years back and they filed a claim and our insurance went up a little, but I couldn’t afford to pay for that repair either.  That’s what insurance is for even though it doesn’t ever seem to go down when you’re a good driver.

So I texted the lady today with the information and she said, I’ve already filed a claim.  I said, Perfect. Thanks.  And it could have been the end there.  She could have just left it with filing a claim with my insurance on her bullshit claim that my daughter ruined her already damaged bumper.  But, what she did instead is tell me she hopes I’m “honest going forward” and a bunch of other bullshit.  I took a deep breath as my blood was boiling and I called my mom and was in no mood for a conversation because I was furious.  I thought about it the whole way home and then included my response.

I wanted to say, How dare you?  Yeah, I am covering your damage, you grifter, but how about you stop trying to put your kid through college when I can’t even put mine through.  Because you know she’s going to come up with some more bullshit damage.  And I would say I wish  no ill will on her, but I do.  I hate people so much.  This sure feels like rock bottom.

February 14, 2000

So I’m done parenting.  Not just done, but done-done.  Tenderheart has been snotty to me one too many times today and I’m just over it.  Good luck with your life, but I’m out.

And obviously I’m not out, but I’ve never wanted to be out more than I do right now.  And she’s tweeting about how crappy her day is and I get yelled at when I ask her what’s going on.  Washing my hands of you.  But Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Their dad texted me today to get Sun and Moon’s addresses so he could send them something.  You might remember that Moonshine hasn’t spoken to him since he texted her after she went to school and she said, New phone, who dis?  Actually it was worse, it was, Sorry, wrong number.  And he’s never even mentioned it to me.  When I texted her to ask her for her address she said, If you give him my address I’ll never speak to you again.  So I texted him and said, You can just drop it off here.  Mmmmmm, I hope it’s candy and/or money.  How much is your poor parenting worth to you?

I was thinking back today on Valentine’s Day 2000.  I was 100 months pregnant with the snotty teen upstairs and just know that I was not an attractive pregnant person.  Some people just carry in their little belly and glow, but I was gigantic.  I carried it everywhere, especially with Tenderheart.  I think I was pretty cute when I was pregnant with Sunshine and I remember actually getting a medium maternity shirt for the beginning, so that was something, but with Tenderheart, it wasn’t pretty.

I had talked the swooper into taking us all out to dinner after I got off work and we picked up Sun and Moon and went to Outback Steakhouse.  Put some shrimp on the barbie and bring over that bloomin’ onion, mate.  YUM!  I was so excited because I was looking cute in my one matching maternity outfit that actually fit and the girls were dressed for their Valentine’s Day party and were so cute and we were a cute little (except me) family going out for a VD dinner.  What could go wrong?

Well, as you can imagine as with the rest of my life, it took about 15 minutes for Moonshine to vomit on me.  And not just vomit on me, but projectile vomit all over my nice outfit.  I took her to the bathroom and got her cleaned up and me as much as possible, but she’d thrown up under the booth and it smelled.  I tried to power through because I didn’t get a lot of nights out when she did it again.  The swooper asked for our food to go and we went and waited by the door.  We told them there was vomit under the table, and I hope they cleaned it up because you could feel the excitement in the line out the door that a group was already leaving.   I walked out covered in vomit, but I hope the next group had a really nice dinner.

Sunday Funday

When I’m broke, which is a lot of the time, I like to do our laundry.  That may seem odd, but I get really excited if I just have laundry soap.  I start pulling off blankets, I get everything I don’t normally wash regularly and just go to town.  It’s my status symbol.  I can’t afford to pay those bills I just went through today, but I sure can do some laundry.

Bridges of Madison County is on and I’m yelling in my head to open the door.  Just open the door to the life you should have had.  This time she’s going to do it.  She’s going to go live her full life with Clint Eastwood.  But she doesn’t.  She sure doesn’t.

So back to my laundry.  I don’t mind doing it, but it’s the putting away that I have trouble with, mainly because I have about 17 different sizes in my closet that I’m sure I’m going to get back down to and there’s no way I’m getting rid of something I might need in my  fantasy future.

Today I was supposed to go play tennis with Tenderheart but she had plans with her boyfriend and she woke up just in time to eat breakfast and take a nap and then wait for him all day.  It’s irritating to watch and their plans on Sunday hardly ever happen, but I hate the not knowing and the lack of plans.

And I also went through the mail and made a stack of bills so I’m irritated and I watched the Grammys.    Do you know what made me happy?  Morris Day and The Time.  I was so happy during the Prince tribute in the Grammys.  I don’t remember the last time I was that happy.  I even rewound it to watch it again because I wanted Tenderheart to appreciate it.  She didn’t.

Snapchat Sunday 

I’m just getting in under the wire for my Sunday post. Im watching the Grammys and currently don’t know these people so I thought I’d throw up some snapchat pics from this week.

Moonshine loves a good snapchat filter.

Watching the Super Bowl last week.

Sunshine is taking Krav Maga and loving it but she’s all bruised and blistered.

And Neil Diamond just sang Sweet Caroline so I can die now.

February 11, 2017 Weekly recap

I had breakfast with Tenderheart this morning. She had to be at work at 6:30 am and then she gets a break around 9 so I went up to eat with her. She was on her phone the whole time with her boyfriend I refuse to name but I still got a free breakfast out of it. 

She got glasses yesterday and now she looks even more like her sisters. I can’t wait to get the new group pic with the three of them.

This week has been one big Bates Motel binge. And when I was looking back to see if I used the same title I had yesterday, I realized just how much I’ve posted about Psycho and Norman Bates. And then I figure I’m going to run out of stories at some point and just start repeating. But again, you get what you pay for.

So I finished Bates Motel at around 1 am last night and I was floored. I finished season four and I guess season five is coming back February 20 and it’s the last one. Cue Marion Crane, you’re getting ready to get your close up. And remember when I said I was live texting my cousin Cindi all the episodes? Well guess who wasn’t available when I really needed her last night and who also woke up to about 10 texts of me freaking out about the ending.

I worked in the office this week exactly four hours and I really need to stop doing that. I’m supposed to be in three days but I enjoy working from home a lot more.

There was a basketball game Thursday that Tenderheart performed at and then I went to Old Chicago with my friend who is worried about her weird kids. And Friday night I talked to my stepmom on the phone. She needs about a three day notice on when she can talk on the phone and now I’m wondering if she’s in prison. Anyway, it was a nice conversation and I think I’m going to dog sit for her in July when she goes on vacation because the way my life works, my vacation is Phoenix in July.

We all go a little mad sometimes

I went for drinks with a friend tonight and she was talking about her fears on if she raised weird kids or not.  And I told her one of  my kids is the mayor of the Island of Misfit Toys.


She takes the strays who don’t have friends and makes them her community. I love that about her.

I was a weird kid.  I’m three seasons into a Bates Motel marathon and it took me back to when my cousin Cindi and I were obsessed with Psycho.  Like obsessed.  We rented all three movies (did you know there were three Psycho movies?), and we had a sleepover and watched all of them. No one has ever played creepy like Anthony Perkins.


We would talk about Psycho and even now I’m live texting her every episode of Bates Motel because she’s already seen it and I’m blown away.  It’s so true to the original Psycho.  I’ve also seen the remake with Vince Vaughn and was a fan.  Maybe I just like creepy men who have mommy issues.  Tells you a lot about my relationship history.

And taxidermy.  My goodness, what a lost art form.

My cousin Cindi and I were also obsessed with James Dean before it was cool to be a hipster.  James Dean was so cool.  We also had a movie night where we rented his three movies and watched them.  We “celebrated” his birthday and his death day.  What a couple of weirdos.  Maybe we’re just all weirdos trying to find our place on this Island of Misfit Toys.  I’m glad my daughter is the mayor so I’ll always have a place.

High school graduates need only apply

I dated this guy once who only had an 8th grade education.  Talk about having no value in yourself to think you can’t get someone better than an 8th grade dropout.  I should have at least valued myself at a 10th grade level.  Where were my standards?  Not only did he have an 8th grade education, but he also had an ex-wife and a two-year-old.  We met when he was 19.  What the hell was I thinking?  And my poor mother, I can’t even imagine.  I should just blanket apologize for what a mess I was during my teen years.  Oh man, I had really good hair though.  I should have at least been pulling in a high school graduate.  AT. LEAST.  Seriously, check out this hair:


When I met his family who lived in a double wide (I could not make this stuff up),  his stepdad told me I had fat ankles.  He literally said, “You have fat ankles”.  Well, thanks, William, you’re no supermodel yourself.  Can you see your belt under your belly?  Of course, I didn’t say anything like that and it just made me self-conscious every time I saw him.  Then when I went to pick my boyfriend up for prom because he certainly didn’t have his own car, his stepdad told me my dress was tucked into my pantyhose and I had to tell him that’s how it was made.


I’ve talked about this poor guy before because I found out probably 10 years ago that he died.  And we broke up in November and he was so heartbroken that he waited until February to marry someone.  They had two boys and then divorced maybe or he died while they were still married, I’m not really sure.  The kids are all grown up now and I find myself wondering what happened to him and how he died.

I think a lot of people think they can save someone.  Like I thought we could actually have a good life together somehow, I have no idea how.  He literally didn’t even have a GED, but I thought I could take care of him when I really just wanted to be taken care of.  We see how well that worked out.

Moonshine is a strong, independent woman who was raised by a strong, independent woman who was raised by a strong, independent woman.  This is hard sometimes because I think a lot of males have an instinct to take care of you.  I  know my ex left me for someone who needed to be taken care of, someone who couldn’t take care of herself.  I think ultimately you want a partnership with someone who can take care of you and you can take care of them, but I’m really no expert.

Moonshine’s ex started dating someone else and the girl is sickly.  She’s in the hospital a lot, she legitimately has something wrong with her and he thrives on that, he wanted someone to take care of.  Moonshine was way too independent for that.  I tell Tenderheart in her relationship to let him do things for her.  Sometimes she doesn’t let him open the door for her or pay for her dinner or carry her backpack, like he wants to do things for her and of course she can do those things for herself but it’s also nice to let someone else carry the load for a while, literally.

That’s the reason I would date again, for the cuddling and the load carrying.  Not too much of either though because I’m a strong, independent woman who was raised by a strong, independent woman who was raised by a strong, independent woman.

Get out the abacus!

I’ve pretty much laughed all day about my use of the word “abacus” yesterday.  Just know that I didn’t need an abacus but what a visual that was.  This is why I sometimes wish my blog was more interactive, except I don’t like to talk about it, just ask my sister.

What do you do when you’re friends with someone whose kids are best friends with your kids but then they’re not anymore?  Does your friendship eventually dwindle?  And what happens when those kids turn out to be crappy people and your kids just doesn’t want to be friends with them anymore?

Sunshine had a friend whose mom was my best friend and they were best friends since kindergarten.  Well, she was always mean to Sunshine I think because she knew she could be and Sunshine would still be her friend.  And the friend was really insecure so she would pick out Sunshine’s faults I think to make herself feel better.  This went on until like middle school when thankfully the friend moved but it had gotten really bad.  And she was fine when it was her and Sunshine one on one, but when the friend had an audience, that’s when she would really pick on her.  And my friendship with the mom was completely over after they moved and her daughter and Sunshine were no longer friends.

Moonshine, who’s never really been able to be friends with girls, met a friend when she moved to college and they ate dinner almost every night and studied together and last weekend her friend wanted to bring her 17 year old boyfriend to a party and the people throwing the party told her no.  She thought Moonshine shouldn’t go to the party either and now she’s not speaking to her.  What is wrong with people?  It’s not Moonshine’s fault they didn’t want her senior-in-high-school boyfriend at the party.  And what was Moonshine going to do, third wheel it with you two all night?  All her friends were at the party.  Like I get standing up for your friends, but it’s not her fault you’re dating a toddler.

Tenderheart has a friend who she’s been friends with forever who recently told her, If I met you now, we wouldn’t be friends.  Ummm, ouch.  She also said she ignores her so she can get to the not being friends stage quicker.  Listen, you don’t have to be mean about it, if you don’t want to be friends anymore you don’t have to be friends, you’re not a hostage.

And I get that friends are put in your life for a reason, a season, or life, but there are a couple of people I thought I would be friends forever with…actually, there’s no one. Wait, my cousin Cindi and I will be friends forever.  I can’t imagine not talking to her.  My friends Gloria and Anna.  We can go forever and not talk and then get together and it’s like we haven’t missed a beat.  But friends I went to high school with, none.  I mean, don’t get offended, Oh! Canada, you know what I mean.  Thanks to the powers of the internet and Facebook, there are people from high school that I’m “friends” with, but it’s not like we hang out.  I wouldn’t call them if my car broke down like I do Heather holla!

So I tell my girls that friends come and go and for the two bitches who ghosted Sunshine her sophomore year of college, I wish no ill will on you, except I do because I welcomed you into my home when you had no family and you turned out to be bitches.

Anyway, I tell them friends will come and go and maybe Moonshine’s friend was in her life for a reason, to get her acclimated to college in another state and now her usefulness is over, but it’s still hard to lose a friend.  The one I don’t know how to comfort is Tenderheart who thought she had a lifelong friend like my Anna or Gloria, a friend who would always be there for her, and it turns out she doesn’t.  What’s between a season and for life?

December 12, 2016

We can talk about whatever we want in this house, like no topic is off limits, even the ones that make me internally cringe.  A couple of years ago Moonshine asked me my body count, aka how many people I’d slept with in my life and I said, Two.  Two whole people, and then we laughed and laughed and laughed and she said, No, really.

So I got out the abacus and started thinking back. Hmmm, how many people have I slept with in my whole life.  Well, I am 45 and I didn’t get married until I was 22 and I haven’t dated since then so it couldn’t be THAT many people.  There was definitely the first guy and definitely my ex-husband and maybe a guy or two sprinkled in.

I just binge watched six seasons of Sex and the City and I’m no Samantha, nor was I in my earlier days, but those women slept with a lot of people on that show.  I wonder what the average is for middle America.  I did grow up in the bible belt.

On this day I was having a conversation with Tenderheart who wasn’t at the first conversation when I had to take my shoes off and use my toes to count (maybe I’m kidding), and out of the blue she said, I think you had a lot of sex when you were younger. Just out of the blue.  And I said, your point…  And she said, I think you could probably never have sex again and be okay because maybe you’ve already had all your sex.

Well, I guess that’s one way to look at it.  I thought the reason I wasn’t having sex was because of my love for cheesecake and the fact that I think my uterus is falling out.  But maybe I had all my sex I’m going to have and I’m just waiting for the old folk’s home to tear it up again.  Although I think nursing homes have one of the highest rates of STD/STIs so I’m not down for that.  But I have to be honest, sometimes I think I might want to date.  I might want to have someone to go to the movies and hang out with and cuddle, but it just seems like a lot of work.  My ex cured me for wanting to get married again and maybe I’m not very good at dating.  Are there any good ones left?