Hindsight can still be devastating

What I gave up for lent was apparently blogging and not biting my nails.  I’m a failure.  But only in not biting my nails, blogging, and budgeting.

I once told my boss that if I could get my girls out of high school without a pregnancy I would consider myself a success.  And I was thinking about that now that Tenderheart is finishing up her Junior year and my other two are in college, and of course I didn’t mean if you didn’t get  your kids out of high school without a pregnancy it means you’re not a success, it’s just how I thought I would feel successful.  And actually, I still stand by it because these days it’s harder than you might think.  We have a family friend who had a friend who would give her kids a birth control pill every morning and tell them it was a vitamin.  I get that.  That’s something I would totally think about doing.

And now that Sunshine is graduating from college in two short weeks, I’m pretty proud of her.  My chest is bursting open with all the excitement and pride I’m feeling for her. But it was really hard to get her here.  Harder than I even knew.  I found out last summer she used to cut herself when she would get angry because she didn’t know where to put all that anger.

Moonshine once asked me how I would feel if one day I found out a bunch of stuff they did that I never knew about.  I said, Devastated.  I would literally feel devastated because I don’t have a lot going on, but I pride myself on being a good mom. So you can imagine when I found out Sunshine used to cut herself, I was devastated, there should be a stronger word because I felt it.  And what I remember about that time in her life is always trying to make sure Sunshine was happy.  I let her make a lot of the decisions on dinner and what we were going to do because when she wasn’t happy, everyone was miserable.  I thought she was a typical teenager.  My mom asked me how I didn’t know and I honestly have no idea, except she wasn’t doing it for attention, she was doing it to relieve the pain she was feeling, so no one knew.  I don’t know, I’ll regret it forever.

So this post took a turn from where I started, but the reason I was thinking about it is she got a card in the mail for 50% off tattoo coverage for self-harm scars and she was supposed to get it last Monday, but they moved it to next week on a Sunday, which works out better for me because I get to go with her.  I was going to go down Monday but I would have had to leave work early and miss Tenderheart’s tennis match so it all worked out.  She’s going to post an Instagram of a before and after with her story so I was tasked with telling my mom and sister.

Anyway, I’ll post the before and after pic when she’s done.  And then I’ll watch her walk across that stage with her double majors in Sociology and Women’s and Ethnic Studies and a minor in Marketing and I’ll know she’s made it.  I did it, we got her through school, and whatever she chooses to do next, I know she now has the tools to do it.  And I’m still proud even with her scars and her tattoos and her changing hair color because I know how hard it was to get her here.

Shelby Duran Senior Pictures 12


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