Never have I ever

I have never worn fake eyelashes.  I’ve never eaten a Big Mac.  No skydiving, no rocky mountain climbing, I didn’t go 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.  I do not live like I’m dying.  I’ve never stolen from a store.  I’ve never been in handcuffs and never been arrested.  Not that I haven’t done some cool stuff.  I once snuck out and watched the sun rise while sitting on top of an abandoned freight train.  Maybe I was the first hobo on a train!  I got kicked out of a concert for being too drunk.  How drunk is too drunk, you ask?  Oh, it’s was pretty drunk.  Good thing I vomited at the hospital before they pumped my stomach because I hear that’s really unpleasant.  I actually had a friend who messed up her knee car surfing, ala Teen Wolf.  I was at a party once where they set some guy’s Volkswagen Bug on fire.  Who was I?  And how did that guy get home?  And what did he tell his parents?

I’ve never been to any state east of the Mississippi except New York and Michigan.  Tenderheart is going to Florida for the second time and I’ve never been there.  I’ve been to Disneyland a few times, and I had a friend brag to me that Disneyland could fit in the parking lot of Disneyworld.  Well, ooh, la, la, I don’t need that much room to stand in line, bragger.

I don’t understand the appeal of a drone.  Like, yes, I understand the footage going over the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or some place cool.  I don’t understand the appeal of a drone in my neighborhood.  What are you looking for or at?  I think it would be cool maybe an hour and then go back in the box like all my children’s other toys I thought would be cool.  Unless it’s a police drone that flies over my neighbor’s house to watch them smoke pot on the front porch.  There’s really never a policeman in my cul-de-sac when I need them.

Four years ago this weekend Sunshine went on a college tour to Hastings in Nebraska.  It’s in a super small town and it was when she realized she wanted to go to a school with a Target.  She didn’t have that requirement before she took the bus trip to Hastings.  They put her in a room with a current student who said all they do all weekend is drink and cruise Main Street.  What an ambassador for the college!  The kids that went and the students currently attending the school hung out and played Never Have I Ever.  You hold up five fingers and someone says, never have I ever … and if you’ve done it then you have to put your finger down, one at a time.  The one who has the most fingers up at the end is the winner.

So, never have I ever gotten drunk and cruised Main Street.  Sunshine kept her fingers up.  Never have I ever smoked pot and gone to class.  Sunshine kept her fingers up. She actually won every round until they got bored and moved on to something else.  Poor Sunshine went to college a good girl.  Her high school years were spent in the theater.  She had one guy who asked if she wanted to come over and play video games and she actually thought he meant play video games.  I wouldn’t let her go because I knew what he wanted to do before she did. I wish I could have kept her that naive forever because that guy got his girlfriend knocked up.  However, at this point, I’m pretty sure, I’d win a game of Never Have I Ever if it was “Never Have I in the last 10 years”, because I haven’t done anything in years.


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