November 5, 1979

I was in third grade, and third grade was quite a year for me.  Some big events happened when I was in third grade.  I basically made up that date, but just know the year is right.

First, I was taking a test on multiplication tables, which is a lost art form, and had sharpened my pencil super sharp and then stabbed myself in the hand.  I still have the piece of lead in there and can see it in my palm to this day.

Second, I wore a pair of my mom’s glasses to school one day.  It was an old pair and they were huge, 1970s glasses but I was convinced I could see better with them. My teacher asked me if I got glasses and I didn’t remember I was wearing them and I told her no.  I wasn’t the brightest bulb in third grade.

Third event, our grandpa lived around the corner and we used to go over there all the time.  One day he was watching us and he told me that he got a phone call from someone doing genealogy who told him we were distantly related to the Osmonds.  That’s right, THE OSMONDS!!  Donny and Marie, who I basically thought were married my whole childhood, are our cousins. So, I was so excited because I was sure there was money in it somewhere, after all, I’m an Osmond now.

Shockingly, my third grade comrades did not believe my story when I came in the next day and told them I was related to the Osmonds.  How dare you?   Someone called my grandpa so it had to be true!!  I didn’t understand how people didn’t believe me.  Except, I was the girl wearing glasses that weren’t mine so I can see how I might not have been too trustworthy.

But just know that every time I hear, I’m a little bit country, I’m a little bit rock ‘n roll, I think it’s about me, written by my family.


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