January 1, 2017
This is rockbottom. I keep thinking I’m at rockbottom, but there’s always a lower level. I can’t imagine there’s a level lower than this. My daughter had to buy tampons earlier in the day and she’d bought an extension for my tags the day before. I’m standing in the grocery store and I know the check is going to bounce, but we need food for the week. I have no gas in my car so another daughter had to drive to the store. This has to be rockbottom. I mean, rockbottom will come later in the week when the check doesn’t clear and I’ll have to pay the fees, but I get paid on the 10th and we can’t go to the 10th without food.
Tenderheart was in a car accident at the end of July and her PT has to be paid out of pocket, sometimes three times a week and yes, I’ll be reimbursed eventually, but until then I’m struggling. Struggling isn’t even a strong enough word. I understand why people hire a shady attorney after a car accident. You have to pay them upwards of 40% of your settlement, but they take care of all the work. An outsider would think my life is a money pit, and they’d be right.
I’m heavier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I have arthritis in my knees, I have trouble walking. This is it, it’s rockbottom. It has to be.
I remember a time when my husband had just left and Tenderheart wasn’t even one yet and I was laying in bed crying because I couldn’t even get up. And the phone rang and it was my mom who was calling to see if I was okay. Sunshine who was five answered the phone and told her I was crying and wouldn’t get up. I thought that was rockbottom, and maybe emotionally it was. My mom just listened to me cry while I told her how hard it was and I think she probably told me to get my ass up and take care of my kids…in the most compassionate way possible. Rockbottom
I held on to this for a couple of weeks because who wants to see me emotionally or physically naked, but here it is, scars and all.
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