Where Michael Scott is not my boss.
My coworker just said, “There’s something in that pizza that just ain’t right.” Where do I work? Who are these people? He’s the one who said he’d rather be with a warm body than cold and alone, but then one of his girlfriends stole his car and destroyed his couch. I should have just told him to just buy an electric blanket. He’s a functioning alcoholic, but just barely. The alcohol and cigarette smoke seep from his pores and he shakes a lot because he can’t drink while he works.
He just announced, “Some guy just killed his brother because he thought he deleted his Pokemon Go account.” Way to announce you’re surfing the internet while you’re supposed to be working. My office mate would just slam the door to indicate her displeasure at the distraction, but it gets really hot in here and I’m prone to naps when it’s warm. And I can assure you if they won’t let that guy drink, they’re certainly not going to let me nap.
I know I already told you about our receptionist, the most unfriendly receptionist in the history of receptionists with her fuzzy pillow and blankie, she’s in the hall of fame. She’s supposed to be the welcoming face of our company, but her computer monitors are higher than her head so you can’t even see her unless you walk around her desk or peek over. She has no interest in welcoming you in the morning, and I pray she’s nicer to clients, but I’m pretty sure she’s not.
Have you heard about Sue? Not rhymes with Sue, this chick is freaking Sue. She does not wash her hands after she uses the bathroom. Every single time I’ve been in there with her, she walks out after she goes to the bathroom without stopping at the sink. Yes, maybe she uses hand sanitizer when she gets back to her desk, but what about everything she touches on the way there? I have a serious problem with that. I also won’t eat anything Sue brings in. Keep your zucchini bread, Sue, you don’t wash our hands at work. And how about you make quicker decisions on that Keurig, Sue, and please don’t touch the hot chocolate. The other day she walked out of the breakroom with two donuts, the last two donuts, and I was glad she took them because I don’t eat anything Sue is near.
So one day Sue walked into my office and said, Oh, that’s who works in here, and then walked out immediately. I said, That’s weird, but as she turned to walk away, she had toilet paper coming out of the back of her pants. *CRINGE* Now, I didn’t immediately say anything because she breezed in and out just that quickly and it took a minute for me to register what that was. She then talked to my functioning alcoholic for a few minutes and walked back in my office and said, Sorry about that, I didn’t know who worked in this office. I said, Sue, I think you might have toilet paper on your pants. She felt back there, pulled it out, and threw it in my trash. Then she kept getting closer like she was going to pat me on the shoulder as a thank you and I almost had a full-blown panic attack.
Then, in the office next to me is a tweedle sister. I don’t know who named her that, but there were two and one of them quit or had a breakdown or was fired. Who knows around here anymore? One day I walked in and the remaining Tweedle said, Have you seen the pictures on the website? Actually, here’s how it went.
Tweedle: Have you seen the pictures on the website?
Me: Not yet.
Tweedle: I think you’re probably not going to like yours.
Me: Oh, really, is it awful?
Tweedle: Well, MINE is awful, so imagine what yours looks like. (I’m not making this up)
Me: Well, it’s really just my face.
And listen, I know what I’m working with. And to be honest, the picture wasn’t really that bad. I wish they would have made it black and white because I was outside and I have some rosacea on my nose, but I’ve definitely seen and taken worse pictures. The profile picture Tenderheart has with me right now on Facebook is worse than my work photo so I’m actually pretty pleased with it. And I don’t know if Tweedle was looking for compliments, but her pic wasn’t a bad picture. She said she looks too tan and her hair looks white because it’s in black and white and I said, it probably looks too tan because you are too tan and your hair looks white because your extensions are platinum blonde. I didn’t actually say any of that because I was so mortified about what she said about my pic, but I definitely thought it.