What’s not to like?
Rule one of Christy’s blog is you don’t talk about Christy’s blog. Rule two of Christy’s blog is you do not talk about Christy’s blog. After a failed attempt at Fight Club left me with a trip to Urgent Care and torn ligaments in my foot, I’m just going to reiterate the rules.
I went on a retreat with Moonshine’s choir this last weekend. It was in Estes Park and I’ve driven the last two years, but this is the first time I stayed and chaperoned. First of all, her choir teacher is a saint. I’ve said it before, I’ll scream it from the rooftop. She just has a way with those kids and I’m in awe. Second of all, I know I’m supposed to love them all equally but they make it really hard. Teens….amiright??
Anyway, we got there and got checked in and had pizza, and it’s a new group of kids from the ones I chaperoned in New York so maybe they won’t like me as much. As if. What’s not to like?, I thought. And it’s really a great group of kids.
After dinner and singing, the choir teacher hands out two sticky notes and on the first one they’re supposed to write what they’re most excited about this year. It’s fun. There’s a lot of excitement about the group and making new friends. Then on the other note they’re supposed to write what they’re most proud of and what they’re afraid of. This is where shit got real, excuse my French.
I said, Hand me a post-it. But I didn’t do it. Even though it was anonymous, mine would have probably given me away. I’m most proud that I’ve raised 2.5 girls to be human beings. And I’m most afraid that I’m not enough. I think that at least once every day and it’s usually when I’m talking to Moonshine. I’m not enough. I’m only one person and I don’t say the right thing, she never thinks I understand her, she goes away from it crying more than anyone else I talk to. I’m not enough for her. All that would not have fit on one post-it. How much time do we have anyway?
What I found so interesting is on the kids’ most afraid post-it, they were all really similar. And I hope what they got out of it is that they’re not alone. Not alone in their fears and worries, not alone in their stress and sadness. Even the ones who seem to have it all together have something. Another thing I got out of it is kids these days have some really heavy stuff to deal with and it breaks my heart. And yes, I said “kids these days” like I’m a hundred.
And then when I was in the girls’ room hanging out and waiting for the new ones to be called down to sacrifice a chicken or whatever the ritual was, I was able to share some of my story, my sad, pathetic story. I’m really a cautionary tale. And Moonshine said I didn’t completely embarrass her, so SCORE!! Then one of the girls told her today that I was the coolest mom she’s ever met and Moonshine said, Some kids want to keep their parents hidden but I parade mine out for everyone. And then she went to bed crying because I’m not enough. I really can’t win around here.