Just Rub a Little Dirt on It

Parenting is hard. Parenting a hypochondriac is hard.
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Moonshine is a hypochondriac. I told her once to write down her list of ailments so I can just make one doctor’s appointment to get all of it out. And I’m not saying what she’s feeling isn’t valid, I’m just of the “rub a little dirt on it” mindset. Shake it off, walk it out, you know, old school.

So anyway, she’s had some honest-to-goodness things wrong, which is why I took her to the doctor last Friday. She had a rash on her underpits.

Side note: for some reason I can’t for the life of me remember, the girls and I call our armpits our underpits. And sometimes we say underparts and it makes us laugh. The doctor had absolutely no idea what I was talking about when I said, she has a rash on her underpits. Good thing I didn’t say underparts!!

Anyway, I told her to take out her list of ailments and she’s been getting these weird headaches for the past couple of months and dizzy spells. The doctor had her do some exercises, which she failed a couple, and then she turned out the lights to look at her pupils. This is where it got “interesting”.

Another side note: about a year ago she had a cyst in her chest. Hindsight and all, I should have taken her somewhere other than her pediatrician. And we couldn’t even get in with the pediatrician, we had to see a PA who kept saying, This is so interesting. Have you ever seen anything like this? I don’t know but it’s so interesting. Moonshine was in tears by the end.

The doctor turned off the light and Moonshine’s pupils didn’t react like they should. This is where another not-our-pediatrician said, That’s really interesting. Let me see your pupils, mom. She did the test on me and said, Yours are fine. Let me get someone else in here, it’s so interesting. The doctor they brought in had the same name as Moonshine and they had a big chuckle and then the very senior Moonshine put in her two cents about how interesting it was. Then, man, I had to get up to see what was so gaw dang interesting and it was that Moonshine’s pupils weren’t getting very big or small with the light change. I don’t even know but apparently the pupils + headaches + dizziness = neurologist.

I’ve made her stay off WebMD because it probably would have said she only has a week to live and the appointment is today. That means you’re probably reading this as I’m taking time off work and sitting in a neurologist’s office waiting. Oh, I’m sure I’ll just be waiting. And of course, if there’s something really wrong I’ll feel awful, just awful, or I’ll tell them to rub a little dirt on it.

Oh and our pediatrician is doing a new thing where they give a questionnaire to the parent to see if there’s anything they can do to help the family unit. The questions are like, Do you have a regular doctor? Do you have stressors in your life? How many times a day do you dream about running away? You get the idea. My answers were No, Yes, and 75. Then the not-our-pediatrician said, I see you put down here that you have some stressors in your life. Boy howdy, do I ever!! First of all, I’m in here in the middle of the day on a Friday when I should be at work. And I said, Well, I’m a single mom of three and I’m no more stressed today than I was yesterday or the past 8 years so I’m probably good. And then I took out my list of ailments….not really. Ain’t no one got time for that!!

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