Not quite the Darwin awards, but almost.
In an effort to appear more interesting, I thought I’d tell you about all the times I’ve almost died. Including but not limited to Tuesday, September 3rd.
Number 1, okay, first, let’s get rid of all the times my car has broken down or I’ve accepted rides from strangers to go to train yards to watch sunsets. It was a different time and I grew up in a much smaller town.
Number 1.2, this was pre-kids and I was playing golf with the swooper. I hit a mulligan and was going to lean out the golf cart to get my ball when the swooper cut the cart to the left because I’d missed it on the first try, and I went tumbling out of the cart down a hill toward the water hazard. I could have broken my neck, y’all. I also could have been a winner on America’s Funniest Videos if only someone would have been filming.
Number 1.3, I just remembered another potential golfing travesty. This was pre-marriage and I was playing golf with my uncle and two others and they were anti-golfcart. And if you read the first story, I am not. So I was sitting on the lady’s tee waiting my turn and someone teed off on the men’s tee to the left of me, but he sliced it and I heard and felt it whizz by my ear. Like a half inch over and it would have killed me, brain damage at the very least. What actually happened is my uncle came running and yelled at me. I should golf more.
Number 2, this was mid-kids and we lived in a little two bedroom triplex, which is like a duplex only with three. Keep up, there’s no math. So it seems like it was summer because I didn’t have my kids and I was in the living room with all the windows open talking to my sister on the phone. I felt a rumble under my feet and then heard a pop and smelled a huge gush of gas, as in natural gas. Did I leave immediately? Nope, I kept talking to my sister and turned on a fan to keep the gas smell out. Unfortunately the fan just pulled in all the natural gas. My sister told me to get the eff out of the house and call the fire department, so I did. The fire truck came and when I told them I’d felt the rumble, they were surprised the whole thing didn’t explode when the gas line broke. I could have exploded, y’all.
Number 2.1, Monday night I made a new dinner.
It was chicken breast, which I marinaded in herb and garlic, stuffed with provolone cheese and wrapped in bacon. It was a good idea but poorly executed. The bacon wasn’t good like that so I took it off. The point is, the marinade was really strong smelling, and I could still smell it the next morning. I took the girls to school and came home and could still smell that marinade. So I opened the windows and turned on the attic fan to suck that smell out. As the day went on the smell got worse and I thought, something’s dead in my kitchen. Died, right there under the stove. I started getting sick to my stomach, I sprayed Febreeze, I used PineSol, nothing worked. When Moonshine got home from school I warned her something died in the kitchen and we had to find it. She walked in and said, Why’s the gas on? One of the burners hadn’t gotten turned off when I made green beans the night before and the gas had just been pouring out all day. I could have asphyxiated, y’all!
So yes, I’m a bit dramatic. And yes, I once left my infant at a truck stop with truckers; and yes, I once had the parents of a little person pick me up in Texas and help me repair my oil pump. What it comes down to is, I’m here by the grace of God. Aren’t we all?