Parenting advice for the new mom: Don’t do what I did.

When Sunshine was a baby, maybe a year or a year and a half, she was always wiping my kisses off. I would kiss her cheek and immediately and violently she would wipe it off. One day she was in her car seat and I kissed her cheek, she wiped it off, kiss her cheek, wipe it off. Then I kissed her cheek while holding both of her hands, and I kissed each palm of her hand. She looked at her hands and screamed for thirty minutes.

One night we were having spaghetti for dinner and she was probably two so I cut her spaghetti up making it easier for her to eat, and she screamed until I gave her a new plate because she wanted to messily twirl it, which she was screaming, “turl, turl.” What a brat!

I had always heard, The third one will be juggling knives, I made a lot of mistakes in that first one though. Kept her in a bubble. Once when she was 8 months, I wanted to get pictures of her and grandpa in the yard in their overalls. Her precious little feet had never touched grass and every time I tried to set her down, her feet would curl up and she’d try to climb up my body.

She was three and she yelled from the bathroom, Mommy, I’m “twitterpated!” But when she was three months old, her dad gave her an eight ounce bottle of prune juice when I’d told him to only give her a couple of sips. She had the cleanest insides of any baby.

I went to a baby shower last weekend for my BFF, and they wanted us to write down advice for the first-time mom. My standard advice for all is, Don’t get knocked up, but the deed had been done (literally) and now what?

And what is my advice? What can I say? Even with three teens, I have no idea what I’m doing. And God bless those who have it all together, but it’s not me. Every day is a new chorus of, You raised that!, from one of the girls about another one. And, yup, I did and don’t we all, for the majority, just do the best we can?

But my sage advice for Anna was, You’re going to think you’re doing everything wrong, but everyone’s thought that at least once. And every day she doesn’t fall out of the high chair (Tenderheart), get bit by a goose (Sunshine), get set down on a nest of daddy long legs (Sunshine), cry out “What’s wrong with me?” (Moonshine), or crush a younger siblings first birthday cake (Moonshine), or speak about herself in the third person because she doesn’t think you know her voice (“Moonshine wants chicken nuggets”)….Man, I really screwed up Moonshine. Anyway, every day is what you make it and tomorrow you can try again. All that wouldn’t fit on the card though so I just said, Don’t get knocked up. Oh, don’t let him/her sleep with you or you’ll never get them out (Sunshine).

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