What do you need me to be?

I have decided that when a perfectly composed blog is in my head, which is very rare, I need to write it right away or it turns into what was on here yesterday.  Crap.  What I was going to tell you about my new job is that they offered me the job over the phone.  I’ve contracted with the company for several years so they already knew my work but I hadn’t really met anyone.  The first time I went in to meet them, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she fosters cats, therefore, I worked my cat into the conversation.  Someone said, Oh, she’s a cat person.  Sure, I can be a cat person.

Then someone said something about their dog and I worked in that we adopted a puppy and how lucky we’ve been with her.  I might have even said something about how she was maybe or maybe not abused in her short three months in the shelter.  Someone said, Oh, she likes dogs.  And I thought, Yes, I’ll like whatever you want me to like because what I really like is a job.  I like eating.  I like health insurance a bunch.  I also like that paycheck that’s going to be direct deposited twice a month into my seriously lacking bank account, so if that means I’m a cat person, I might even adopt one of your fostered cats if that’s what you need.  That was better than what I eeked out yesterday.

I have three daughters that are all very dramatic, snotty, hormonal, awesome….sure, but for the most part they can really be snotty kids to each other.  However….okay, it’s like How to Train Your Dragon in that each dragon had a “skill”, if that’s what you call it and one of the dragons had all the skills of all the other species of dragons.  Seriously, hold on a second.  So let’s say Sunshine’s superpower is being snotty and Moonshine’s power is being rude, Tenderheart has all of their powers magnified by 100 along with some of her own.  She’s like taken snotty and moved it to a whole other level that I’ve never seen before, nor would I ever like to see again.  And she’s finicky about her loyalties.  I honestly don’t ever know which way she’s going to sway.

For instance, sometimes she comes home from the monkey’s house and it was horrible, she had a horrible time, everything was horrible, but the minute Moonshine says something negative about him, Tenderheart’s his biggest fan.  Does that make sense?  It’s like, I can tell you my kid is annoying, but YOU can’t tell me my kid is annoying, you know?

Okay, so yesterday, she stomped downstairs to tell me that apparently (and she said apparently) her friend Minnie is going to her volleyball game and then spend the night at her dad’s house.  But she was like stompy and acted like she didn’t want that to happen but when I said, “Oh, that’s not going to happen”, she yelled at me and then left.  In all fairness he was waiting in the car for her, but still, there was no good-bye, just a lot of stomping and attitude.  Attitude is the word I’ve been looking for since the beginning of this post.  A-t-t-i-t-u-d-e in spades.

Okay, so a little bit about her friend Minnie, I practically had to do a drug test and background check for her mom to let her spend the night with me, and now we’re best friends.  She seriously almost asked me for my social security number.  Also, I don’t want MY kids to go to the monkey’s house, I certainly wouldn’t let anyone else’s kids.  So I originally thought this whole thing was orchestrated by Minnie’s mom Heather (holla!) and Minnie and Tenderheart, but then find out it was suggested by the monkey to Minnie and Tenderheart.  Let me get this straight, without asking any actual parent’s permission, you suggest to two 12-year-olds that they can spend the night together at a new and “exciting” place (like the zoo), get Tenderheart excited, which I didn’t get at first, and then I have to be the bad guy and say no?  This is the same Minnie that he forgot to pick up last Tuesday, why would anyone let you keep her overnight?  It’s weird, it’s all weird.

So I called Heather (holla!) and told her what I told you about not wanting the monkey to take Minnie overnight and she said, I have no idea what you’re talking about.  But just so you know, when I explained it, she said, Awww, hell no.  And it’s not like I think anything would happen to Minnie, but it’s just the outside influences over there.  It’s his girl Felony Melanie and her daughter Tattoonia who was allowed to get a tramp stamp at 13.  It’s the very, very little supervision they get over there and while I don’t have to supervise them very much, I also don’t let the neighborhood boys come over and play Call of Duty all night with my kids.

So the kibosh was put on the plan and when I explained to Tenderheart why it wasn’t going to happen and how he needed to talk to grown-ups before he decided anything, she said she understood and she apologized for being so rude.  But I feel like she might apologize every night for being so rude, it’s become quite the cycle, a cycle I’d like to break post-haste.


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