Wouldn’t You Like to Get Away?

Looking back, I married too early (and chose poorly).  I was only 22.  I had my whole life in front of me, but we’d been together since I was 19.  I forced it because I wanted the fairy tale,  I wanted to be married and have kids.  After the wedding at the courthouse with a honeymoon to Chili (‘s, the restaurant, not the country), it was a whirlwind of kids.  I had Sunshine at 24, Moonshine at 26, and Tenderheart at 28.  Now, I’m glad I had my kids early, as I have a friend my age who just had another baby and I can’t imagine starting over; but there are also a lot of things I wish I would have done in my 20’s.  I have  a couple of IRL friends that I’d like to talk specifically to and tell them it’s okay to wait.  So suspend your disbelief and the, What about the kids? argument and just come along for the ride.

I wish I would have gone out more.  I wish now that Neil Patrick Harris and I were friends in real life.

I wish I would have lived over MacLaren’s Pub (from How I Met Your Mother) and gone there every night after work to just hang out with my friends so I could save up all those stories and tell my children over a period of 7 to 10 years how I met their father.  If you don’t watch the show, you should.  I wish I would have had more friends. 

Look at all my friends!!

Speaking of friends, I wish I would have lived above a coffee shop in Manhattan.  I wish I would have travelled more.   I wanted to be a flight attendant.  What?  I used to be cute.  I wish I would have realized how cute I was pre-babies.  I should have gone where everybody knows my name. 

I wish I would have enjoyed working out with my dad more.  We trained for and completed a mountain bike race when I was 20, but after that I stopped going on bike rides with him.  That was a lot of time with him that I missed out on.  I wish I would have taken my dog to the park more and taught him tricks.  I really do think the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. 

I wish I would have dated more.  Not found my soul mate since I’m pretty sure he died in a fire, but dated more.  And by “dated”, I mean slept with more people.  Judge away.  I had a few offers during-marriage, but turned them down.  I told you I used to be cute.  I wish I would have been more active, taken up a hobby, or worked in a gym.  I started my real job (that I just lost) when I was 23 so I didn’t find what I wanted to do with my life when I should have.  And of course, I should have finished college.  Line dancing, I should have done more line dancing.  I took dance lessons a couple of years back with a friend and the instructor pulled us aside and said we had something the others didn’t have and couldn’t learn, rhythm.  Yeah, I’m hot stuff.

And today when I learned about someone from high school losing his battle with cancer, I have so many regrets about what I’ve done and haven’t done in my life.  Although I guess they could be worse. 
And we’re back to my reality of a single mom with three amazing girls.  And I’m thankful every day that they’re so awesome, but I’m finding that we’re really getting to the most difficult part of parenting.  I used to think potty training was the worst, then teaching them to read, teaching them to ride a bike; but if I hear, “Don’t you trust me?” one more time, I’m going to scream.  No, Sunshine, I don’t trust you to go play Xbox at a boy’s house when A, you don’t even like video games; B, you’re very mysterious about said boy; and C, I used to be your age and replace Xbox with Super Nintendo and I know what he really has planned.  And come on, Sunshine, you’re supposed to be the good one, use your head.  I have a dating pool of boys that you’re allowed to date, Sunshine, and he’s not on it. 

So, you, dear 1.5 reader, I’m sure you’ll forgive me a little escapism and let me go back to my 20s and wonder what might have been.

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5 Comments

  1. Cari

    I think we all have those “what if” thoughts. It’s ok to indulge for a minute but don’t live there. It’s pointless.

  2. Shaemus

    Thumbs up on the more sex regret…but don’t regret! Get out there and get some sex! I am! 🙂 I’m only kidding (well, somewhat), but get out there and do ALL the things you want to do! I’m not one to say we shouldn’t have regrets. I think they “have their place”, but I say learn from them and resolve to proceed differently. We are relatively still young and that’s the advantage of having had our children young. Yes, they are still at home and you have some years to go, but I read your blog my friend. I can’t determine if I am the 1 reader or the .5 reader. I read your blog and I feel you worry too much. Ultimately your children don’t belong to you…they belong to God. You have responsibilities certainly, and you must do the best you can…but the outcomes belong to God, not you. What am I saying? I think it’s ok for you to be a little selfish. Whether it’s getting back on a bike, having sex, line dancing, or finding a place where you can laugh with friends…you deserve it. Go get it.

  3. Oh my goodness….”Don’t you trust me?” Umm exactly NO! You’re right this is the hardest part. We will get through it. 🙂

  4. heidi

    I think everyone has regrets, but like Cari said, don’t live in what-if land…

    About your girls dating, I have boys (14 & 18) and the 18 year old has been “dating” for 4 or 5 years…of course, back then he got to go to the girl’s house WITH AT LEAST ONE OF HER PARENTS HOME, and we drove him there and picked him up within about 2 hours…My 14 year old on the other hand, is content to go to the movies in a group of kids who are not dating each other. I was not allowed to date until I was 16, so I kind of assumed my kids would follow the same rules; but when a person is married to, well, the guy I married, rules that made sense to me are not usually the rules that get followed.

    Shaemus, how about if you are the “1”, and I can be the “.5”. Sound good to you??

  5. I am overcome with joy at my four whole readers and commenters!! I will have to change my stats in future posts. And I certainly don’t dwell in the sea of regrets, but sometimes I like to dip a toe or two. I’m completely dried off now and looking to the future, which looks pretty bright. Thanks for all the comments and I have learned something from my past and that’s that I’ll never marry another sociopath Yay me!

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