My oh my, what a wonderful day.
I have not dated since my divorce. The world is too scary to expose them to a stranger, and I always thought I’d date when Lindsey turned 18 and that’s still the plan. However, I wonder every day if I’ve done a disservice to my girls to keep myself so closed off. My fear and my past have really jaded my outlook and I don’t really know what a good relationship looks like. How do you act, how do you fight without one foot out the door, how do you communicate what you need and what you want? I’ve only seen these examples on TV and I know that’s not real. It’s all too good to be true. But how are they going to know what a good relationship looks like? I don’t have one, and the monkey’s is the definition of dysfunctional.
We have good friends in our life, but the girls don’t see them enough to experience a good example. Last Sunday we went to the track with our friends and their kids. Heather and I walked while the girls played catch with her husband. That night Shelby was crying that someone else had to show her how to throw a football. That her dad never taught her how to throw a football. It never occurred to me how important that was to her, and I’m sure it never occurred to the monkey that she would want to do something like that, but he doesn’t do stuff with them. I’m thankful that we have friends, but that’s not really the point. It’s not their job to do stuff like that.
So am I doing them a disservice by sheltering them so much and not bringing other people into our lives like a special someone (ha!) for myself? I have no idea. That brings on a whole new set of problems and would I ever trust someone else with my children? Let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and imagine that I could get a guy in my present circumstances (read weight), what would that do to our family dynamic? I don’t know if I even want to find out, and that’s the problem. I was raised by a single mom who was raised by a single mom, I want to change my tree.