Shot Through the Heart, but Who’s to Blame?

My first concert as a teen was Ratt/Bon Jovi, I was 14.  If you’re a Facebook friend then you know that.  My first actual concert was Shaun Cassidy and I was 6.  I don’t think we bought tickets so much as my uncle was working it and we went with my Aunt and two cousins.  Four little girls in yellow Shaun Cassidy t-shirts, you know the ones.

I’ve had some type of depression since my teens.  Maybe everyone does.  Not medication-depression, but bouts of depression that I probably should have been medicated for at some points in my life.  As an adult, my depression surfaced as weight gain.  I come from the side of the family that struggles with our weight and have low self-esteem and no willpower.  It’s really a triple whammy. 

At one point in my marriage my monkey said that he would love me more if I lost the weight  (I know, he’s a winner), so I did  (I know, I was a winner).  Turns out, not only did he not love me more, he still left me for the person he had been seeing for years.  The betrayal of who he was seeing, and ultimately left me for, is the real knife through the heart; but you have to be more than just my Facebook friend to know that story.

Around the time of the “I’d love you more if there was less of you to love”, the monkey bought me 12th row tickets to Bon Jovi.  It was probably 20 years since they had opened for Ratt and it was an awesome concert.  We had a great time and I remember a point in the night thinking that things were going to be okay with us.  Then we got into a fight on the way home about the person I affectionately refer to as herpeville or whorebag, and I knew that things were NOT going to be okay.  It took a couple more years of him emotionally torturing me before I was finally able to break free and he was able to take his act on the road.  He really does give love a bad name.

That digression was one for the record books….

Back to what I was saying.  I feel better when I work out, I know I feel better, but it’s still really hard for me to get motivated to do it every day, or six days a week as I’ve been doing for the last 8 weeks.  I have the type of body and metabolism that I HAVE to work out or do some form of exercise EVERY (or almost every) day of my life in order to lose weight or eventually maintain that weight, and be healthy.  Two of my kids got the monkey’s metabolism, the middle one did not.  She’s going to have to work out almost every day of her life to maintain a healthy weight.  She already sees it.  She’s got a stick figure ahead of and behind her, and while I reinforce every day that she’s exactly how God made her, I sometimes feel like she thinks she got the short end of the stick.  I need to be a better example.

So I’m doing a sprint triathlon in August.  I need to get moving and I need a goal that’s not just a number.  On August 2nd I am going to swim 1/2 mile, bike 12 miles, and run (or walk) 3.1 miles along with my friend Heather, Wendy from work, and Mellisa and Amy from school.  I brought a lot of people into it for accountability.  It’s working, Heather’s my training partner.  I’ve only done something this challenging one other time when I was 20 and my dad and I rode our bikes over the mountains from Frisco to Breckenridge.  18 years later, it’s about time I got off my arse and did something else. 

Side note:  My dad hiked down into and camped at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  My dream was that he and I would do that one day together, but it looks like I’m going to have to recruit my sister for the bonding trip.  Now she’s been warned that it’s coming.  I definitely need to get off the couch for that.

Is there something big that you want to do?

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2 Comments

  1. carikelley

    sadly, no. I have no goals.

    I’m a teensy-bit jealous of yours, though. I absolutely know that you can do it!

  2. meandmom

    I had two stick girls follow me in my family. Totally screws with your body image. Still does. You rock on girl….a triathlon doesn’t even get to be close to my list of goals. Yick! I do wish I had your determination though…for the past 8 weeks I’ve been talking about how I should be working out every day….you actually did it!

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