Get Your Tickets Now

Because my pity party is going into its last few days.

I make bad decisions in the Fall.  Maybe it’s the pressure of Halloween or Thanksgiving, I don’t know, but most of my life’s bad decisions have been in the Fall.  Fall of ’91 was the worst and Fall of ’01 was also not my finest hour.  I just realized it’s an every ten year thing so I’d better be prepared in the Fall of ’11 to make good decisions. Wait,  I also just realized Fall of ’93 wasn’t ideal so maybe that throws my every 10 years off a little.

So, bad decisions in the Fall.  I said in another post that Jesus and I are still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, but sometimes I walk around and feel forgiven and then it scares me because I don’t think I should be forgiven and then my self-punishment and doubt takes over.  Now, I know in my head that I’m forgiven, but the heaviness in my heart still feels like I shouldn’t be. 

I’ve prayed for forgiveness, I’ve begged for forgiveness, and since the bible says you need to ask for forgiveness and you’re forgiven, I know (in my head) that I’m forgiven but I wonder why it’s so hard for me to accept that. 

I think it’s because I have such a hard time forgiving people for what they’ve done to me (my monkey/ex), I can’t imagine the unconditional love and forgiveness that God provides for us.  What a high standard I need to live up to in order to live my life like He would want.

Here’s the funny part, and “funny” ironic not “funny” hysterical.  I can talk all day about forgiveness and tell my girls how important it is for them to forgive and that God wants you to forgive today because how would you feel if you stood before Him today and He said He wasn’t ready to forgive you yet.  Our pastor said that in a particularly meaningful sermon for me.  The next important thing for me to do is to live what I speak.  Walk the talk, if you will and other cliches. 

So it looks more Winter today than Fall outside with the blanket of snow and I always feel better once Fall is gone, but I need to keep working on that forgiveness.  I promise the next post will be uplifting and positive.

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5 Comments

  1. carikelley

    Why is it that grace and mercy are the hardest concepts for us to understand? I mean seriously, God made us, and I’m sure He knew we’d struggling with these things….so why?

    Maybe so that we would listen to him closer, and lean into him harder, and pursue him more desperately than anything else.

    Good post. You’re definitely not alone in this one.

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