We had a party at work for Fat Tuesday, or as I call it, Tuesday. They put these on all the doors:
And I dressed like this:
I don’t know if our new company is Cajun, but they’re in Pennsylvania so I can’t imagine they are. Do you celebrate at your job? And what are we going to do for Lent? Probably no donuts for six weeks or however long Lent lasts.
Remember Sue from my office who doesn’t wash her hands? She was behind me in the Fat Tuesday catering line and she patted me on the back. I immediately took my shirt off and burned it with the sterno keeping the fried chicken warm.
I used to work with these three biddies. I don’t know why I was in their department but we wrote letters to clients who couldn’t be reached by phone. I must have done everything else in that department and needed something new because I was 27 and pregnant with Moonshine. One of these ladies was so old, probably my age now, and her name was Brigitta, like the little girl in The Sound of Music. She was German so it actually might have been her.
One day I started talking about Sick Building Syndrome (SBS) and I got these ladies all worked up. Our building was brand new so I’m not sure what they were worried about but I think I had been sick for a while and started telling them about a 20/20 I’d seen about Sick Building Syndrome (SBS). I got them so worked up that one of them filed a complaint with HR and another one went home for the day because she was so freaked out. My boss asked me nicely to lay off the biddies, but my job was so boring I was always looking for outside entertainment.
So the other day, I walked by Sue coming out of the bathroom so you know she hadn’t washed her hands. And listen, maybe she has a huge bottle of antiseptic at her desk, but what about everything she touches between the bathroom and her desk? Just wash your hands, lady!
Okay, so there’s this really long hall from the bathroom to the door to our office, and it’s the most awkward walk of your life because you make eye contact with the person walking toward you but you’re too far to make conversation, unless you’re Sue. She said Hi and asked how I was and I have been sneezing a lot lately and I had a runny nose so I told her to make her aware of proper handwashing procedures.
Actually I said, You know, I only sneeze when I’m in the office. I sit under a vent and I know it’s blowing some weird shit out. And she said, You know what?? I was JUST talking to Brian about this and we think that too!! She got so worked up, she stopped walking to continue the conversation, but I could see the bathroom in sight and I had to go so I politely turned my head and kept the conversation going by saying, I’ll bet we have Sick Building Syndrome (SBS)!
I broke my streak and didn’t make it all the way through February. It’s fine though, it’s all good. I almost murder/suicided Tenderheart yesterday so the fact that I lost my blog streak wasn’t really in the front of my mind. Of course it would be my luck, I’d do the murder and not the suicide like in Bates Motel and I’d have some ‘splainin’ to do ala Norman Bates.
Three years ago I posted this:
It was a meeting for a new client and the meeting turned out to be higher than my level still, and at the end I had a coughing fit and had to leave the room early. Then I got back to my desk and Tenderheart’s school had called and she’d been hit in the head and had a concussion. So it was a not a personal success for me.
However, it actually was successful for my company because we landed the client and three years later we went downtown to meet the people running the show now. My boss had met them before, but I had only interacted via email because no one from the first meeting is still there. And the middle man is here in downtown Denver but the actual client is in New York.
So Friday I went to work in my nice clothes and my boss drove us downtown in a snowstorm in order to pay $15 in parking and walk seven blocks to attend a meeting in a cool highrise down there. And the offices were gorgeous. Ever since watching Working Girl, I wanted to work downtown. Now, I don’t enjoy the logistics of it, like the traffic and the parking, but it just seems so cool to work down there.
And everyone was really happy with our work, we worked out the kinks and I’m two degrees separated from almost every celebrity in the world because of the people I met on Friday. So I can’t wait to play six degrees of separation with my cousin Cindi again, I’ll win every time!!
And I’ll tell you about my big meeting with a client today that went really well.
My sister had a safety meeting at work the other day and she sent me this.
I told her I’d be dead in the first wave. And listen, I’m no survivalist. I’m exhausted watching Castaway. I would have died seven minutes into that movie if I were there. I’d have died an hour before I even found Wilson. WILSON!!
I’ve seen The Walking Dead. I know I definitely don’t want to be a zombie but do I really want to be in Rick’s group? I mean, if I’m alive, I definitely want to be in Rick’s group and not one of the fine young cannibals from Terminus, but it just seems like a lot of mindless walking. Maybe if I could hole up in a shopping mall and just hang out I’d want to live but that’s about it.
And I’m mostly kidding because I don’t think there’s going to be a zombie apocalypse but I also hate being so far away from family in case there is.
I remember 9/11 and I was home in bed getting ready to get the girls up for school. Only Sunshine went to school at that point and she was in first grade, but I watched the news and took her to school and it seems like the swooper was home with Moonshine and Tenderheart, but I had to go to work and they sent us home shortly after because the stock market was closed and we didn’t work again for like four days. And I hated being so far from my mom and sister, but I was with my kids and I knew everyone was safe. I hate that we’re all spread out now.
And I know if something happened (God forbid) Moonshine would go to grandma’s and Tenderheart would come home but Sunshine is farther and I don’t know where she’d go. I’d better start working on that kit they talked about first.
In the spirit of Never Have I Ever yesterday, I’ve never had a manicure. I’ve had two pedicures in my life even though I need another one desperately, but I’ve been a nail biter my whole life so I’ve never actually had a manicure. I once worked with a woman who was going to school for nails and she told me if I could get my nails to the end of my finger tips then she could put fake nails on. I never did. My mom used to make me polish my nails with that bitter tasting nail polish, but I would push through. I was also a thumbsucker until I was like 12 so I had some issues.
And even though I wasn’t able to work out every day this month like I vowed, I did surprisingly stop biting my nails for no reason whatsoever. I’ve done it at a couple of times before and at least once when I was pregnant but I always went back to it. Hopefully this time I’ve stopped for good. One time grandma paid Moonshine $100 to stop biting her nails and then she started again and Sunshine and Tenderheart still talk about how she should have to give the $100 back to grandma.
Tenderheart has long nails but likes to get acrylics. I don’t mind if it’s for special occasions like homecoming or winter formal but not for everyday.
And this may have been my most boring post of the month, expectations low but it’s the 22nd and maybe I’ve officially run out of things to talk about. But just know that as soon as I can afford a haircut, the next thing to happen is a manicure. Woo, dream big!
I have never worn fake eyelashes. I’ve never eaten a Big Mac. No skydiving, no rocky mountain climbing, I didn’t go 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu. I do not live like I’m dying. I’ve never stolen from a store. I’ve never been in handcuffs and never been arrested. Not that I haven’t done some cool stuff. I once snuck out and watched the sun rise while sitting on top of an abandoned freight train. Maybe I was the first hobo on a train! I got kicked out of a concert for being too drunk. How drunk is too drunk, you ask? Oh, it’s was pretty drunk. Good thing I vomited at the hospital before they pumped my stomach because I hear that’s really unpleasant. I actually had a friend who messed up her knee car surfing, ala Teen Wolf. I was at a party once where they set some guy’s Volkswagen Bug on fire. Who was I? And how did that guy get home? And what did he tell his parents?
I’ve never been to any state east of the Mississippi except New York and Michigan. Tenderheart is going to Florida for the second time and I’ve never been there. I’ve been to Disneyland a few times, and I had a friend brag to me that Disneyland could fit in the parking lot of Disneyworld. Well, ooh, la, la, I don’t need that much room to stand in line, bragger.
I don’t understand the appeal of a drone. Like, yes, I understand the footage going over the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or some place cool. I don’t understand the appeal of a drone in my neighborhood. What are you looking for or at? I think it would be cool maybe an hour and then go back in the box like all my children’s other toys I thought would be cool. Unless it’s a police drone that flies over my neighbor’s house to watch them smoke pot on the front porch. There’s really never a policeman in my cul-de-sac when I need them.
Four years ago this weekend Sunshine went on a college tour to Hastings in Nebraska. It’s in a super small town and it was when she realized she wanted to go to a school with a Target. She didn’t have that requirement before she took the bus trip to Hastings. They put her in a room with a current student who said all they do all weekend is drink and cruise Main Street. What an ambassador for the college! The kids that went and the students currently attending the school hung out and played Never Have I Ever. You hold up five fingers and someone says, never have I ever … and if you’ve done it then you have to put your finger down, one at a time. The one who has the most fingers up at the end is the winner.
So, never have I ever gotten drunk and cruised Main Street. Sunshine kept her fingers up. Never have I ever smoked pot and gone to class. Sunshine kept her fingers up. She actually won every round until they got bored and moved on to something else. Poor Sunshine went to college a good girl. Her high school years were spent in the theater. She had one guy who asked if she wanted to come over and play video games and she actually thought he meant play video games. I wouldn’t let her go because I knew what he wanted to do before she did. I wish I could have kept her that naive forever because that guy got his girlfriend knocked up. However, at this point, I’m pretty sure, I’d win a game of Never Have I Ever if it was “Never Have I in the last 10 years”, because I haven’t done anything in years.
I sent Sunshine a text in the middle of the day the other day that said, You’ll take care of Tenderheart if anything happens to me, right? And really, someone only needs to keep Tenderheart here until May 2018 so she can finish school and then she’ll go to college and then onto her life (hopefully).
As you can imagine Sunshine was confused on why I would ask that and she asked if I was dying and I said, We’re all dying, Sunshine; but what I was actually doing was filling out my insurance for the new company that just bought us. And the insurance is better and slightly cheaper because the company is bigger and I don’t have to be in a high deductible, HSA anymore. I might even be able to get some things done this year. Hello, mammogram, I’m coming for you. And maybe my uterus won’t completely fall out. Maybe 2017 is the year of me. 2018 at the latest.
But I was able to get a very small life insurance policy in addition to the one they offer and I had to make a beneficiary and you know whoever gets Tenderheart is going to deserve all the money in the world to take that job. And I’m simple, I want to be buried in an urn in a living forest so I will be one with the earth and no one’s paying a bunch for a funeral. And maybe it’s morbid but when you have kids, you really have to think about that. And obviously my sister will get Tenderheart for all intents and purposes but hopefully she’ll let her graduate with her class. And because she’s the 1 of my 1.5 readers I’m sure this will all be resolved today. Happy ending.
Tenderheart sends me this from school almost every day. But she lost her streak with me this week. Both she and Moonshine lost it and now I only have streaks with two of Tenderheart’s friends and my cousin Cari.
She may not kill me in my sleep but if I happen to die in the night, I have no doubt I’ll be eaten by morning.
I went to see a high school production of Pippin last night. I didn’t know the story and hadn’t heard the music but they did a great job. It’s a pretty dark musical and at the end they ask for volunteers to basically come kill themselves, but you’ll be happy to know I stayed in my seat.
So, how was your week? This isn’t interactive, but I know my sister is good. I know Moonshine is good. She was accepted into a co-ed business fraternity called Phi Sigma Pi and I’m so happy for her.
It focuses on service, academics and business and I’m praying it gets her an opportunity for an internship this summer. Not that I don’t want her to come home, but I’d love her to stay there or go to Dallas and network instead of coming back here and working with her ex-boyfriend at the same place she’s worked since she was 15. I think it’s time for her to move on, to keep moving forward.
Tenderheart is great. She got a really pretty necklace and earrings for Valentine’s Day.
Hopefully she doesn’t lose them. Her boyfriend came over on VD for heart shaped pizza and chocolate chip cookies, which immediately makes me think of To Catch a Predator when the girl says, Come in, I’m making sweet tea and cookies. Hopefully he’s not a predator, he is only 16 and not a grown-ass man. And she finished the week with a rival basketball game. She did run over someone’s Valentine’s Day candy in the parking lot at school, which was hilarious.
We received a phone call on Monday night from the school that no one was to bring any Valentine’s presents to school. No balloons, no flowers, no candy, nothing. Which was fine for Tenderheart because she and her boyfriend-I-refuse-to-name were hanging out, but what about for the couples who only see each other at school? Anyway, I guess they had to exchange gifts in the parking lot and hope Tenderheart doesn’t run over their candy when they drop it.
We talked to the insurance people about the grifter who’s fleecing us and hopefully I never have to hear from her again. I hope she drives straight to hell with her brand new bumper on her 9 year old vehicle.
My week at work was good, I was in there two full days, for my sister who’s worried I might get fired. And I bought my worker Trev Chinese food for his birthday, and he said I was just using his birthday to get myself Chinese food. Well, that sounds 100% accurate and not very grateful, Trev. Is it because I didn’t even ask you if you liked Chinese food before I suggested it? Anyway, it was good for me, and who turns their nose up at free food, TREV?? We can get your favorite food for my birthday, as long as it’s Chinese. But their soy sauce was bland, isn’t that weird? Isn’t there a uniform soy sauce everyone should use?
Anyway, that was my week. Sunshine got accepted to Americorps so if the funding doesn’t change, she’ll be leaving in July for 10 months and I couldn’t be happier for her. She tried for the Peace Corps and she wasn’t accepted because she didn’t have enough experience. Hopefully she’ll be able to do Americorps for 10 months and then go to the Peace Corps. She’s turned into such a cool person with an amazing heart and I couldn’t be more proud of who she’s become. More on that later.
Even though most days I’m done-done with Tenderheart and her attitude, it’s still just me and her eating dinner and watching our shows. She’s gone a lot but she’s always home for dinner and a show. However on March 1st, she’s leaving for Florida until March 6th. She’s going to a national POMs competition at ESPN Sports and hanging out for five days at Disneyworld. I’ve never even been to Florida but I make a lot of sacrifices so she can go. Last year was her first year and she had so much fun and apparently wore a fanny pack.
I actually feel a lot better about her going this year. Last year I was a wreck because it was her first time away by herself where she had to take care of herself, by herself. Like she’s in a room with three other girls and she has to do her own make up and competition hair and make sure she has all her stuff together. She has to make sure she doesn’t lose her credit card or her money. She also has to budget her money and buy her own meals. She splits her meals with another girl because it’s really expensive to eat there and she doesn’t eat a full meal. But it was a huge responsibility and she was so nervous. But she did it and she was fine, until she was getting ready to compete one of their dances and she’d forgotten her jazz shoe. Two girls who hadn’t made the dance had to take the shuttle back to the hotel to get her shoe because no one wears her size. She was so upset and she was crying and didn’t know what to do. But the important thing is she figured it out and everything was fine. And as much as she missed me, I think she came back with an appreciation for me and maybe a better attitude. And I’m sure that lasted a week or so.
However, this will be the first year she’ll be going and I’ll be alone. Like alone-alone. Last year Moonshine was still living here and she took care of the animals and ate dinner with me. This year, it’s all me. I have to take care of all the animals and entertain myself. And I’m equal parts thrilled and scared. What if I don’t leave the house? What if I only have ramen and grilled cheese for six days? What if I find I don’t really have any friends? And I know this is sort of a test for a year and a half from now when Tenderheart goes to college and I’m all alone. I also know I have to push myself to do things, it doesn’t come naturally. I’m determined to go into the office and make plans and not be a hermit because that’s what comes naturally to me. I might even take the train downtown to panhandle on the 16th street mall. Who knows, it may be a whole new world for me!