Last week was rockbottom. I know you’ve heard this before, but it was last week. On Sunday, I found cordon blue in the freezer, which had been there for two years, but I’m sure was still good. It was frozen, that stuff never goes bad, right?
Then Tuesday, I made hamburgers to go with the buns I’d gotten the week before and as we’re getting ready to eat, the buns are moldy. On Wednesday, I was meeting Sunshine at a Village Inn halfway between the two of us for free pie, which isn’t exactly “free”, you have to buy something. I was actually meeting her there to get her graduation announcements so I could mail them out. We sat down to order free pie and the lady said, you have to buy something, but the cheapest thing is $0.99 ice cream to put with your pie so we did that. However, it turns out I didn’t even have $3.10 to pay for it so Sunshine had to buy it.
Thursday things are looking up because I found $2 in my purse and went to the store and bought cheap buns and baked beans so we could have those leftover hamburgers and then Friday night things really started looking up. I had plans to go to dinner with my cousin Cindi and I also have $18 in a battery return charge so I’m going to be able to afford to actually buy my dinner. However, when I went to get my $18, they said they couldn’t give it in cash because I’d paid with a card and because my bank account was already negative, I didn’t get any money I could spend and Tenderheart had to buy my dinner. That was rockbottom.
And I’m waiting for this insurance settlement from her July 30th car accident that has $700 of co-pays tied up and they’re taking their own sweet time getting that to me. I finally agreed on the smallest settlement in the history of settlements and they’re actually only paying her hospital bills I haven’t paid yet and my co-pays back and nothing for Tenderheart. I learned a very valuable lesson that insurance companies really don’t give a shit about you, they just want to pay the very least amount they can to make you go away. If anything like that happens in the future, you can bet I’m going to get a shifty lawyer because the whole process is such a hassle.
So I call two days in a row and the adjuster doesn’t call me back and finally she calls me at 4:30 on Friday and I said I’ll accept it. She said, Good, I can send you the release, you can sign it, and the check will go out Tuesday. I asked if she could send it overnight and she said no. Too bad their multi-million dollar corporation hasn’t heard of Fedex yet. I asked again on Monday if they could overnight it or wire it because if she would have called me back when I called Thursday, the check would have gone out Friday instead of Tuesday and she said, Again, we don’t mail checks overnight. I said, I know you don’t, but I also know you can as a courtesy and she said they don’t. Listen, I haven’t put a pox on anyone in a really long time, but Amanda from Safeco has one now. A pox on her house, her family, her dog, her entire life.
What I gave up for lent was apparently blogging and not biting my nails. I’m a failure. But only in not biting my nails, blogging, and budgeting.
I once told my boss that if I could get my girls out of high school without a pregnancy I would consider myself a success. And I was thinking about that now that Tenderheart is finishing up her Junior year and my other two are in college, and of course I didn’t mean if you didn’t get your kids out of high school without a pregnancy it means you’re not a success, it’s just how I thought I would feel successful. And actually, I still stand by it because these days it’s harder than you might think. We have a family friend who had a friend who would give her kids a birth control pill every morning and tell them it was a vitamin. I get that. That’s something I would totally think about doing.
And now that Sunshine is graduating from college in two short weeks, I’m pretty proud of her. My chest is bursting open with all the excitement and pride I’m feeling for her. But it was really hard to get her here. Harder than I even knew. I found out last summer she used to cut herself when she would get angry because she didn’t know where to put all that anger.
Moonshine once asked me how I would feel if one day I found out a bunch of stuff they did that I never knew about. I said, Devastated. I would literally feel devastated because I don’t have a lot going on, but I pride myself on being a good mom. So you can imagine when I found out Sunshine used to cut herself, I was devastated, there should be a stronger word because I felt it. And what I remember about that time in her life is always trying to make sure Sunshine was happy. I let her make a lot of the decisions on dinner and what we were going to do because when she wasn’t happy, everyone was miserable. I thought she was a typical teenager. My mom asked me how I didn’t know and I honestly have no idea, except she wasn’t doing it for attention, she was doing it to relieve the pain she was feeling, so no one knew. I don’t know, I’ll regret it forever.
So this post took a turn from where I started, but the reason I was thinking about it is she got a card in the mail for 50% off tattoo coverage for self-harm scars and she was supposed to get it last Monday, but they moved it to next week on a Sunday, which works out better for me because I get to go with her. I was going to go down Monday but I would have had to leave work early and miss Tenderheart’s tennis match so it all worked out. She’s going to post an Instagram of a before and after with her story so I was tasked with telling my mom and sister.
Anyway, I’ll post the before and after pic when she’s done. And then I’ll watch her walk across that stage with her double majors in Sociology and Women’s and Ethnic Studies and a minor in Marketing and I’ll know she’s made it. I did it, we got her through school, and whatever she chooses to do next, I know she now has the tools to do it. And I’m still proud even with her scars and her tattoos and her changing hair color because I know how hard it was to get her here.
We had a party at work for Fat Tuesday, or as I call it, Tuesday. They put these on all the doors:
And I dressed like this:
I don’t know if our new company is Cajun, but they’re in Pennsylvania so I can’t imagine they are. Do you celebrate at your job? And what are we going to do for Lent? Probably no donuts for six weeks or however long Lent lasts.
Remember Sue from my office who doesn’t wash her hands? She was behind me in the Fat Tuesday catering line and she patted me on the back. I immediately took my shirt off and burned it with the sterno keeping the fried chicken warm.
I used to work with these three biddies. I don’t know why I was in their department but we wrote letters to clients who couldn’t be reached by phone. I must have done everything else in that department and needed something new because I was 27 and pregnant with Moonshine. One of these ladies was so old, probably my age now, and her name was Brigitta, like the little girl in The Sound of Music. She was German so it actually might have been her.
One day I started talking about Sick Building Syndrome (SBS) and I got these ladies all worked up. Our building was brand new so I’m not sure what they were worried about but I think I had been sick for a while and started telling them about a 20/20 I’d seen about Sick Building Syndrome (SBS). I got them so worked up that one of them filed a complaint with HR and another one went home for the day because she was so freaked out. My boss asked me nicely to lay off the biddies, but my job was so boring I was always looking for outside entertainment.
So the other day, I walked by Sue coming out of the bathroom so you know she hadn’t washed her hands. And listen, maybe she has a huge bottle of antiseptic at her desk, but what about everything she touches between the bathroom and her desk? Just wash your hands, lady!
Okay, so there’s this really long hall from the bathroom to the door to our office, and it’s the most awkward walk of your life because you make eye contact with the person walking toward you but you’re too far to make conversation, unless you’re Sue. She said Hi and asked how I was and I have been sneezing a lot lately and I had a runny nose so I told her to make her aware of proper handwashing procedures.
Actually I said, You know, I only sneeze when I’m in the office. I sit under a vent and I know it’s blowing some weird shit out. And she said, You know what?? I was JUST talking to Brian about this and we think that too!! She got so worked up, she stopped walking to continue the conversation, but I could see the bathroom in sight and I had to go so I politely turned my head and kept the conversation going by saying, I’ll bet we have Sick Building Syndrome (SBS)!
I broke my streak and didn’t make it all the way through February. It’s fine though, it’s all good. I almost murder/suicided Tenderheart yesterday so the fact that I lost my blog streak wasn’t really in the front of my mind. Of course it would be my luck, I’d do the murder and not the suicide like in Bates Motel and I’d have some ‘splainin’ to do ala Norman Bates.
Three years ago I posted this:
It was a meeting for a new client and the meeting turned out to be higher than my level still, and at the end I had a coughing fit and had to leave the room early. Then I got back to my desk and Tenderheart’s school had called and she’d been hit in the head and had a concussion. So it was a not a personal success for me.
However, it actually was successful for my company because we landed the client and three years later we went downtown to meet the people running the show now. My boss had met them before, but I had only interacted via email because no one from the first meeting is still there. And the middle man is here in downtown Denver but the actual client is in New York.
So Friday I went to work in my nice clothes and my boss drove us downtown in a snowstorm in order to pay $15 in parking and walk seven blocks to attend a meeting in a cool highrise down there. And the offices were gorgeous. Ever since watching Working Girl, I wanted to work downtown. Now, I don’t enjoy the logistics of it, like the traffic and the parking, but it just seems so cool to work down there.
And everyone was really happy with our work, we worked out the kinks and I’m two degrees separated from almost every celebrity in the world because of the people I met on Friday. So I can’t wait to play six degrees of separation with my cousin Cindi again, I’ll win every time!!
And I’ll tell you about my big meeting with a client today that went really well.
My sister had a safety meeting at work the other day and she sent me this.
I told her I’d be dead in the first wave. And listen, I’m no survivalist. I’m exhausted watching Castaway. I would have died seven minutes into that movie if I were there. I’d have died an hour before I even found Wilson. WILSON!!
I’ve seen The Walking Dead. I know I definitely don’t want to be a zombie but do I really want to be in Rick’s group? I mean, if I’m alive, I definitely want to be in Rick’s group and not one of the fine young cannibals from Terminus, but it just seems like a lot of mindless walking. Maybe if I could hole up in a shopping mall and just hang out I’d want to live but that’s about it.
And I’m mostly kidding because I don’t think there’s going to be a zombie apocalypse but I also hate being so far away from family in case there is.
I remember 9/11 and I was home in bed getting ready to get the girls up for school. Only Sunshine went to school at that point and she was in first grade, but I watched the news and took her to school and it seems like the swooper was home with Moonshine and Tenderheart, but I had to go to work and they sent us home shortly after because the stock market was closed and we didn’t work again for like four days. And I hated being so far from my mom and sister, but I was with my kids and I knew everyone was safe. I hate that we’re all spread out now.
And I know if something happened (God forbid) Moonshine would go to grandma’s and Tenderheart would come home but Sunshine is farther and I don’t know where she’d go. I’d better start working on that kit they talked about first.
In the spirit of Never Have I Ever yesterday, I’ve never had a manicure. I’ve had two pedicures in my life even though I need another one desperately, but I’ve been a nail biter my whole life so I’ve never actually had a manicure. I once worked with a woman who was going to school for nails and she told me if I could get my nails to the end of my finger tips then she could put fake nails on. I never did. My mom used to make me polish my nails with that bitter tasting nail polish, but I would push through. I was also a thumbsucker until I was like 12 so I had some issues.
And even though I wasn’t able to work out every day this month like I vowed, I did surprisingly stop biting my nails for no reason whatsoever. I’ve done it at a couple of times before and at least once when I was pregnant but I always went back to it. Hopefully this time I’ve stopped for good. One time grandma paid Moonshine $100 to stop biting her nails and then she started again and Sunshine and Tenderheart still talk about how she should have to give the $100 back to grandma.
Tenderheart has long nails but likes to get acrylics. I don’t mind if it’s for special occasions like homecoming or winter formal but not for everyday.
And this may have been my most boring post of the month, expectations low but it’s the 22nd and maybe I’ve officially run out of things to talk about. But just know that as soon as I can afford a haircut, the next thing to happen is a manicure. Woo, dream big!
I have never worn fake eyelashes. I’ve never eaten a Big Mac. No skydiving, no rocky mountain climbing, I didn’t go 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu. I do not live like I’m dying. I’ve never stolen from a store. I’ve never been in handcuffs and never been arrested. Not that I haven’t done some cool stuff. I once snuck out and watched the sun rise while sitting on top of an abandoned freight train. Maybe I was the first hobo on a train! I got kicked out of a concert for being too drunk. How drunk is too drunk, you ask? Oh, it’s was pretty drunk. Good thing I vomited at the hospital before they pumped my stomach because I hear that’s really unpleasant. I actually had a friend who messed up her knee car surfing, ala Teen Wolf. I was at a party once where they set some guy’s Volkswagen Bug on fire. Who was I? And how did that guy get home? And what did he tell his parents?
I’ve never been to any state east of the Mississippi except New York and Michigan. Tenderheart is going to Florida for the second time and I’ve never been there. I’ve been to Disneyland a few times, and I had a friend brag to me that Disneyland could fit in the parking lot of Disneyworld. Well, ooh, la, la, I don’t need that much room to stand in line, bragger.
I don’t understand the appeal of a drone. Like, yes, I understand the footage going over the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or some place cool. I don’t understand the appeal of a drone in my neighborhood. What are you looking for or at? I think it would be cool maybe an hour and then go back in the box like all my children’s other toys I thought would be cool. Unless it’s a police drone that flies over my neighbor’s house to watch them smoke pot on the front porch. There’s really never a policeman in my cul-de-sac when I need them.
Four years ago this weekend Sunshine went on a college tour to Hastings in Nebraska. It’s in a super small town and it was when she realized she wanted to go to a school with a Target. She didn’t have that requirement before she took the bus trip to Hastings. They put her in a room with a current student who said all they do all weekend is drink and cruise Main Street. What an ambassador for the college! The kids that went and the students currently attending the school hung out and played Never Have I Ever. You hold up five fingers and someone says, never have I ever … and if you’ve done it then you have to put your finger down, one at a time. The one who has the most fingers up at the end is the winner.
So, never have I ever gotten drunk and cruised Main Street. Sunshine kept her fingers up. Never have I ever smoked pot and gone to class. Sunshine kept her fingers up. She actually won every round until they got bored and moved on to something else. Poor Sunshine went to college a good girl. Her high school years were spent in the theater. She had one guy who asked if she wanted to come over and play video games and she actually thought he meant play video games. I wouldn’t let her go because I knew what he wanted to do before she did. I wish I could have kept her that naive forever because that guy got his girlfriend knocked up. However, at this point, I’m pretty sure, I’d win a game of Never Have I Ever if it was “Never Have I in the last 10 years”, because I haven’t done anything in years.
I sent Sunshine a text in the middle of the day the other day that said, You’ll take care of Tenderheart if anything happens to me, right? And really, someone only needs to keep Tenderheart here until May 2018 so she can finish school and then she’ll go to college and then onto her life (hopefully).
As you can imagine Sunshine was confused on why I would ask that and she asked if I was dying and I said, We’re all dying, Sunshine; but what I was actually doing was filling out my insurance for the new company that just bought us. And the insurance is better and slightly cheaper because the company is bigger and I don’t have to be in a high deductible, HSA anymore. I might even be able to get some things done this year. Hello, mammogram, I’m coming for you. And maybe my uterus won’t completely fall out. Maybe 2017 is the year of me. 2018 at the latest.
But I was able to get a very small life insurance policy in addition to the one they offer and I had to make a beneficiary and you know whoever gets Tenderheart is going to deserve all the money in the world to take that job. And I’m simple, I want to be buried in an urn in a living forest so I will be one with the earth and no one’s paying a bunch for a funeral. And maybe it’s morbid but when you have kids, you really have to think about that. And obviously my sister will get Tenderheart for all intents and purposes but hopefully she’ll let her graduate with her class. And because she’s the 1 of my 1.5 readers I’m sure this will all be resolved today. Happy ending.
Tenderheart sends me this from school almost every day. But she lost her streak with me this week. Both she and Moonshine lost it and now I only have streaks with two of Tenderheart’s friends and my cousin Cari.
She may not kill me in my sleep but if I happen to die in the night, I have no doubt I’ll be eaten by morning.
I went to see a high school production of Pippin last night. I didn’t know the story and hadn’t heard the music but they did a great job. It’s a pretty dark musical and at the end they ask for volunteers to basically come kill themselves, but you’ll be happy to know I stayed in my seat.