Never have I ever

I have never worn fake eyelashes.  I’ve never eaten a Big Mac.  No skydiving, no rocky mountain climbing, I didn’t go 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.  I do not live like I’m dying.  I’ve never stolen from a store.  I’ve never been in handcuffs and never been arrested.  Not that I haven’t done some cool stuff.  I once snuck out and watched the sun rise while sitting on top of an abandoned freight train.  Maybe I was the first hobo on a train!  I got kicked out of a concert for being too drunk.  How drunk is too drunk, you ask?  Oh, it’s was pretty drunk.  Good thing I vomited at the hospital before they pumped my stomach because I hear that’s really unpleasant.  I actually had a friend who messed up her knee car surfing, ala Teen Wolf.  I was at a party once where they set some guy’s Volkswagen Bug on fire.  Who was I?  And how did that guy get home?  And what did he tell his parents?

I’ve never been to any state east of the Mississippi except New York and Michigan.  Tenderheart is going to Florida for the second time and I’ve never been there.  I’ve been to Disneyland a few times, and I had a friend brag to me that Disneyland could fit in the parking lot of Disneyworld.  Well, ooh, la, la, I don’t need that much room to stand in line, bragger.

I don’t understand the appeal of a drone.  Like, yes, I understand the footage going over the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or some place cool.  I don’t understand the appeal of a drone in my neighborhood.  What are you looking for or at?  I think it would be cool maybe an hour and then go back in the box like all my children’s other toys I thought would be cool.  Unless it’s a police drone that flies over my neighbor’s house to watch them smoke pot on the front porch.  There’s really never a policeman in my cul-de-sac when I need them.

Four years ago this weekend Sunshine went on a college tour to Hastings in Nebraska.  It’s in a super small town and it was when she realized she wanted to go to a school with a Target.  She didn’t have that requirement before she took the bus trip to Hastings.  They put her in a room with a current student who said all they do all weekend is drink and cruise Main Street.  What an ambassador for the college!  The kids that went and the students currently attending the school hung out and played Never Have I Ever.  You hold up five fingers and someone says, never have I ever … and if you’ve done it then you have to put your finger down, one at a time.  The one who has the most fingers up at the end is the winner.

So, never have I ever gotten drunk and cruised Main Street.  Sunshine kept her fingers up.  Never have I ever smoked pot and gone to class.  Sunshine kept her fingers up. She actually won every round until they got bored and moved on to something else.  Poor Sunshine went to college a good girl.  Her high school years were spent in the theater.  She had one guy who asked if she wanted to come over and play video games and she actually thought he meant play video games.  I wouldn’t let her go because I knew what he wanted to do before she did. I wish I could have kept her that naive forever because that guy got his girlfriend knocked up.  However, at this point, I’m pretty sure, I’d win a game of Never Have I Ever if it was “Never Have I in the last 10 years”, because I haven’t done anything in years.

The year of me

I sent Sunshine a text in the middle of the day the other day that said, You’ll take care of Tenderheart if anything happens to me, right? And really, someone only needs to keep Tenderheart here until May 2018 so she can finish school and then she’ll go to college and then onto her life (hopefully). 

As you can imagine Sunshine was confused on why I would ask that and she asked if I was dying and I said, We’re all dying, Sunshine; but what I was actually doing was filling out my insurance for the new company that just bought us. And the insurance is better and slightly cheaper because the company is bigger and I don’t have to be in a high deductible, HSA anymore. I might even be able to get some things done this year. Hello, mammogram, I’m coming for you. And maybe my uterus won’t completely fall out. Maybe 2017 is the year of me. 2018 at the latest. 

But I was able to get a very small life insurance policy in addition to the one they offer and I had to make a beneficiary and you know whoever gets Tenderheart is going to deserve all the money in the world to take that job. And I’m simple, I want to be buried in an urn in a living forest so I will be one with the earth and no one’s paying a bunch for a funeral. And maybe it’s morbid but when you have kids, you really have to think about that. And obviously my sister will get Tenderheart for all intents and purposes but hopefully she’ll let her graduate with her class. And because she’s the 1 of my 1.5 readers I’m sure this will all be resolved today. Happy ending. 

Snapchat Sunday

The flags by my office are super festive. 
My girl loves a snapchat filter. 

This was my favorite Valentine this week. 

Tenderheart sends me this from school almost every day. But she lost her streak with me this week. Both she and Moonshine lost it and now I only have streaks with two of Tenderheart’s friends and my cousin Cari. 

She may not kill me in my sleep but if I happen to die in the night, I have no doubt I’ll be eaten by morning. 

This always makes me feel really good to get. 

I went to see a high school production of Pippin last night. I didn’t know the story and hadn’t heard the music but they did a great job. It’s a pretty dark musical and at the end they ask for volunteers to basically come kill themselves, but you’ll be happy to know I stayed in my seat. 

We played tennis today and it was cold and windy so we didn’t stay long. Tennis season starts tomorrow. Spring sports in Colorado is always fun. 

February 18, 2017 Weekly Recap

So, how was your week?  This isn’t interactive, but I know my sister is good.  I know  Moonshine is good.  She was accepted into a co-ed business fraternity called Phi Sigma Pi and I’m so happy for her. 

It focuses on service, academics and business and I’m praying it gets her an opportunity for an internship this summer.  Not that I don’t want her to come home, but I’d love her to stay there or go to Dallas and network  instead of coming back here and working with her ex-boyfriend at the same place she’s worked since she was 15.  I think it’s time for her to move on, to keep moving forward.

Tenderheart is great.  She got a really pretty necklace and earrings for Valentine’s Day. 

Hopefully she doesn’t lose them. Her boyfriend came over on VD for heart shaped pizza and chocolate chip cookies, which immediately makes me think of To Catch a Predator when the girl says, Come in, I’m making sweet tea and cookies.  Hopefully he’s not a predator, he is only 16 and not a grown-ass man.  And she finished the week with a rival basketball game.  She did run over someone’s Valentine’s Day candy in the parking lot at school, which was hilarious.

We received a phone call on Monday night from the school that no one was to bring any Valentine’s presents to school.  No balloons, no flowers, no candy, nothing.  Which was fine for Tenderheart because she and her boyfriend-I-refuse-to-name were hanging out, but what about for the couples who only see each other at school? Anyway, I guess they had to exchange gifts in the parking lot and hope Tenderheart doesn’t run over their candy when they drop it.

We talked to the insurance people about the grifter who’s fleecing us and hopefully I never have to hear from her again.  I hope she drives straight to hell with her brand new bumper on her 9 year old vehicle.

My week at work was good, I was in there two full days, for my sister who’s worried I might get fired.  And I bought my worker Trev Chinese food for his birthday, and he said I was just using his birthday to get myself Chinese food.  Well, that sounds 100% accurate and not very grateful, Trev.  Is it because I didn’t even ask you if you liked Chinese food before I suggested it?  Anyway, it was good for me, and who turns their nose up at free food, TREV??  We can get your favorite food for my birthday, as long as it’s Chinese.  But their soy sauce was bland, isn’t that weird?  Isn’t there a uniform soy sauce everyone should use?

Anyway, that was my week.  Sunshine got accepted to Americorps so if the funding doesn’t change, she’ll be leaving in July for 10 months and I couldn’t be happier for her.  She tried for the Peace Corps and she wasn’t accepted because she didn’t have enough experience.  Hopefully she’ll be able to do Americorps for 10 months and then go to the Peace Corps.  She’s turned into such a cool person with an amazing heart and I couldn’t be more proud of who she’s become.  More on that later.



March 1, 2017

Even though most days I’m done-done with Tenderheart and her attitude, it’s still just me and her eating dinner and watching our shows.  She’s gone a lot but she’s always home for dinner and a show.  However on March 1st, she’s leaving for Florida until March 6th.  She’s going to a national POMs competition at ESPN Sports and hanging out for five days at Disneyworld.  I’ve never even been to Florida but I make a lot of sacrifices so she can go.  Last year was her first year and she had so much fun and apparently wore a fanny pack. 

This year their team is a lot better and they’re hoping to place higher.

I actually feel a lot better about her going this year.  Last year I was a wreck because it was her first time away by herself where she had to take care of herself, by herself.  Like she’s in a room with three other girls and she has to do her own make up and competition hair and make sure she has all her stuff together.  She has to make sure she doesn’t lose her credit card or her money.  She also has to budget her money and buy her own meals.  She splits her meals with another girl because it’s really expensive to eat there and she doesn’t eat a full meal. But it was a huge responsibility and she was so nervous.  But she did it and she was fine, until she was getting ready to compete one of their dances and she’d forgotten her jazz shoe.  Two girls who hadn’t made the dance had to take the shuttle back to the hotel to get her shoe because no one wears her size.  She was so upset and she was crying and didn’t know what to do.  But the important thing is she figured it out and everything was fine.  And as much as she missed me, I think she came back with an appreciation for me and maybe a better attitude.  And I’m sure that lasted a week or so.

However, this will be the first year she’ll be going and I’ll be alone.  Like alone-alone.  Last year Moonshine was still living here and she took care of the animals and ate dinner with me.  This year, it’s all me.  I have to take care of all the animals and entertain myself.  And I’m equal parts thrilled and scared.  What if I don’t leave the house? What if I only have ramen and grilled cheese for six days?  What if I find I don’t really have any friends?  And I know this is sort of a test for a year and a half from now when Tenderheart goes to college and I’m all alone.  I also know I have to push myself to do things, it doesn’t come naturally.  I’m determined to go into the office and make plans and not be a hermit because that’s what comes naturally to me.  I might even take the train downtown to panhandle on the 16th street mall. Who knows, it may be a whole new world for me!

February 15, 2017

I’m live blogging at the dentist with Tenderheart. She thought she was getting one cavity filled and she’s getting four. She should be happy I got her in after Valentine’s Day, but I have a feeling she’s going to be pissed that it’s four. They’re giving her laughing gas and I hear them talking to someone like a toddler, I’m pretty sure it’s her.  Silver lining, she doesn’t have to come back.  Rain cloud, I’m going to be here forever. FOREVER!!

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and here was my valentine. 

Here was Tenderheart’s. 

This woman is trying to find something to watch on the tv but the message clearly says “service interrupted”. I’m familiar with the message, you need to call and restore your service, girl. Omg, now she’s found some deep cable political channel. She needs to keep going. This has gone on longer than it needed. 

She finally told someone to call the number on the screen and the worker said, oh it’s turned off. Like she watched her stand there trying to find a channel for over 20 minutes and then decided to tell her their service was interrupted. Now she went out for a smoke. I might need one too. 

When Tenderheart was little I took her to the dentist for a cleaning and I went back with her because she was little, probably six. She grabbed my hand and the hygienist said, Don’t baby her. So I let go of her hand and scooted back. That was just a blip of how I’ve babied her. He should have been following me around her whole life pointing out times I’m babying her. Where’s that guy, who’s obviously a life coach by now. 

The girl who went out to smoke just came back in and literally Febreezed herself. I’m always shocked at people who still smoke but I’m sure people are shocked I still eat donuts. We’re all going to die. Speaking of which, there’s a donut place right across the parking lot. My morning is writing itself. 

Wait, now I hear the dentist talking to Directv. Who’s drilling Tenderheart??  I’m never getting out of here. Should I tell him I don’t need the TV? Now he’s yelling because their payment was returned. He literally just said, There’s no way it was returned, we have over $15,000 in that account. That doesn’t seem like a lot for a dentist but I am next door to a hydroponics shop and across the parking lot from the donut shop and a pot shop so maybe I need to rethink the quality of my dentist. And can I just point out how brilliant it is to have a donut shop next door to a pot shop? Location, location, location. Because this place is right down the street from my house so again, location. 

And I just got an email there’s bagels and donuts in the office today. Because of course they wouldn’t have that yesterday when I was actually in there. I hate missing free food. That’s how poor I am. 

I came in and they told me this would be $110. So I’m thinking okay, one cavity, $110, that’s horrible. Then they told me she had four and I said, nope, just take those teeth out because there’s no way I can afford $440 for four cavities. Sorry, Tenderheart, you’re going to have to start gumming your meat. Luckily, for her, they had included all four in that $110. And also luckily, for her, the nitrous was included because momma ain’t springing for anything fancy here. 

And finally the dentist is off the phone so hopefully the TV will be back on shortly. That’s how it usually works when mine’s turned off. Oh, I hear the drilling again so maybe they were just giving her a break while he was trying to figure out the TV situation. Seems below his pay grade but probably not around here. 

He just came out to take a break, I assume between cavities. I’m going to be here so long I’m probably going to be blogging from here tomorrow too. 

They’ve had her back there for over an hour. I’ll bet this feels like Tenderheart’s rock bottom. 

I wish bad things happened to bad people

Remember that little fender bender Tenderheart got into a couple of weeks ago in the Chipotle parking lot?  The lady had nothing better to do than call the police who said if she wanted to file a police report, Tenderheart would get the ticket and my insurance would go up.  She said she was pulling forward and Tenderheart hit her, but the facts are, she didn’t see Tenderheart and Tenderheart didn’t see her; but because Tenderheart is 16 and told the police officer she didn’t see the lady, she was considered at fault.  I thought it should have been no fault, but my opinion doesn’t matter.

The police officer told the lady to get her bumper painted and send me the bill, easy peasy.  I gave her my information and prayed she’d lose it.  But that isn’t how things work in my life.  So she texted me last week to get my email so she could send me the estimate to get her bumper painted, I thought.  What she sent me was an estimate for a whole new bumper on her 2008 Nissan Pathfinder for a total of $1,131.00.  I was thinking it would be max $500, which I could do, but that was in the world where she was just getting it painted like the police officer said.  I said I was a single mom of three with two in college and she said she was also a single mom of three and had one in college.  In an alternate universe where she’s not trying to fleece me, we may have been friends.

However, she’s been such a bitch, and I told her I couldn’t afford that and she went off on how I promised to be honest and she was assured by the police officer that I would cover her expenses and I said, yeah, that’s when you were just supposed to get your bumper painted, not a whole new one on your 9 year old car.  Here’s the thing, the estimate was $1,131.00 and there was a suspicious line item that said, “Possible additional damage”.  Well, I am not up for that at all, nor am I able to even pay her the $1,131.00, but with people like that, I’m 100% sure they were going to find some additional damage.  Because if you look closely at her bumper, there was already damage.

And now I feel like she was targeting Tenderheart to just get a new bumper.  I’m serious.

So, I told her I was unable to pay that and was not going to get into a payment arrangement on “possible additional damages” that I know are bullshit so I told her I would call my insurance company to get her the information she needs to file a claim.  Sunshine backed into someone’s truck a couple of years back and they filed a claim and our insurance went up a little, but I couldn’t afford to pay for that repair either.  That’s what insurance is for even though it doesn’t ever seem to go down when you’re a good driver.

So I texted the lady today with the information and she said, I’ve already filed a claim.  I said, Perfect. Thanks.  And it could have been the end there.  She could have just left it with filing a claim with my insurance on her bullshit claim that my daughter ruined her already damaged bumper.  But, what she did instead is tell me she hopes I’m “honest going forward” and a bunch of other bullshit.  I took a deep breath as my blood was boiling and I called my mom and was in no mood for a conversation because I was furious.  I thought about it the whole way home and then included my response.

I wanted to say, How dare you?  Yeah, I am covering your damage, you grifter, but how about you stop trying to put your kid through college when I can’t even put mine through.  Because you know she’s going to come up with some more bullshit damage.  And I would say I wish  no ill will on her, but I do.  I hate people so much.  This sure feels like rock bottom.

February 14, 2000

So I’m done parenting.  Not just done, but done-done.  Tenderheart has been snotty to me one too many times today and I’m just over it.  Good luck with your life, but I’m out.

And obviously I’m not out, but I’ve never wanted to be out more than I do right now.  And she’s tweeting about how crappy her day is and I get yelled at when I ask her what’s going on.  Washing my hands of you.  But Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Their dad texted me today to get Sun and Moon’s addresses so he could send them something.  You might remember that Moonshine hasn’t spoken to him since he texted her after she went to school and she said, New phone, who dis?  Actually it was worse, it was, Sorry, wrong number.  And he’s never even mentioned it to me.  When I texted her to ask her for her address she said, If you give him my address I’ll never speak to you again.  So I texted him and said, You can just drop it off here.  Mmmmmm, I hope it’s candy and/or money.  How much is your poor parenting worth to you?

I was thinking back today on Valentine’s Day 2000.  I was 100 months pregnant with the snotty teen upstairs and just know that I was not an attractive pregnant person.  Some people just carry in their little belly and glow, but I was gigantic.  I carried it everywhere, especially with Tenderheart.  I think I was pretty cute when I was pregnant with Sunshine and I remember actually getting a medium maternity shirt for the beginning, so that was something, but with Tenderheart, it wasn’t pretty.

I had talked the swooper into taking us all out to dinner after I got off work and we picked up Sun and Moon and went to Outback Steakhouse.  Put some shrimp on the barbie and bring over that bloomin’ onion, mate.  YUM!  I was so excited because I was looking cute in my one matching maternity outfit that actually fit and the girls were dressed for their Valentine’s Day party and were so cute and we were a cute little (except me) family going out for a VD dinner.  What could go wrong?

Well, as you can imagine as with the rest of my life, it took about 15 minutes for Moonshine to vomit on me.  And not just vomit on me, but projectile vomit all over my nice outfit.  I took her to the bathroom and got her cleaned up and me as much as possible, but she’d thrown up under the booth and it smelled.  I tried to power through because I didn’t get a lot of nights out when she did it again.  The swooper asked for our food to go and we went and waited by the door.  We told them there was vomit under the table, and I hope they cleaned it up because you could feel the excitement in the line out the door that a group was already leaving.   I walked out covered in vomit, but I hope the next group had a really nice dinner.

Sunday Funday

When I’m broke, which is a lot of the time, I like to do our laundry.  That may seem odd, but I get really excited if I just have laundry soap.  I start pulling off blankets, I get everything I don’t normally wash regularly and just go to town.  It’s my status symbol.  I can’t afford to pay those bills I just went through today, but I sure can do some laundry.

Bridges of Madison County is on and I’m yelling in my head to open the door.  Just open the door to the life you should have had.  This time she’s going to do it.  She’s going to go live her full life with Clint Eastwood.  But she doesn’t.  She sure doesn’t.

So back to my laundry.  I don’t mind doing it, but it’s the putting away that I have trouble with, mainly because I have about 17 different sizes in my closet that I’m sure I’m going to get back down to and there’s no way I’m getting rid of something I might need in my  fantasy future.

Today I was supposed to go play tennis with Tenderheart but she had plans with her boyfriend and she woke up just in time to eat breakfast and take a nap and then wait for him all day.  It’s irritating to watch and their plans on Sunday hardly ever happen, but I hate the not knowing and the lack of plans.

And I also went through the mail and made a stack of bills so I’m irritated and I watched the Grammys.    Do you know what made me happy?  Morris Day and The Time.  I was so happy during the Prince tribute in the Grammys.  I don’t remember the last time I was that happy.  I even rewound it to watch it again because I wanted Tenderheart to appreciate it.  She didn’t.

Snapchat Sunday 

I’m just getting in under the wire for my Sunday post. Im watching the Grammys and currently don’t know these people so I thought I’d throw up some snapchat pics from this week.

Moonshine loves a good snapchat filter.

Watching the Super Bowl last week.

Sunshine is taking Krav Maga and loving it but she’s all bruised and blistered.

And Neil Diamond just sang Sweet Caroline so I can die now.